Monday, April 24, 2006

Square peg in a round hole...

Today, rantolotl will take you on an insightful journey through an ongoing epic of good and evil. Of light and dark. Of pandas and penguins. Consider it educational, or maybe a complete waste of your time. Normal transmissions will resume in due time.

For awhile now, a battle has been raging over the burning issue of our time; Scones. Should they be round, or should they be square? In my last rantolotl, I fired a cheap parting shot to the Defenders of the Square. I don't regret it - I am right. Scones should be round. What I do regret though, is the re-emergence of the bitter embroiled battles around the issue. The Defenders of the Square just can't face facts. They're poor losers, their arguments are weak and baseless, and they are fucking dirty fighters.

krus says: picture

krus says: ha! square scone

rantolotl: ... that's a stone. Not a scone.

krus says: its a stone and a scone

rantolotl: IT IS NOT!

krus says: its the stone of scone

krus says: so its a scone

rantolotl: That doesn't mean it is a scone!

krus says: yes it does

rantolotl: No, it doesn't!

krus says: yes... yes it does. and anyone who dis-agrees is a tard

rantolotl: Your theory is a tard.

krus says: you just hate tards don't you!
krus says: this is why i don't bake anymore! I don't know what shapes will be acceptible to you on your high shapey horse!

rantolotl: Tell me... is the horse square too?

krus says: see! hate

krus says: the square scone is the best! how else are you meant to make a scone house?

rantolotl: with sheer stupidity? Anyway, everyone knows the best houses are made with pineapples.

So - with that little exchange over and committed to the history books of inanity, in comes Kipper...

"Scone dough must be lightly handled, not squished into rounds. That is why the best and lightest scones are cut into squares."

There is absolutely no difference in handling or general squishing when cutting scones in a circular shape! You use a scone/cookie cutter, or you can use your favorite scone-sized glassware. Either way, no difference in handling. You, Kipper, are talking out your arse.

So. Why the Way of the Round, you ask? Because it's the way of the motherfuckin' righteous! Round scones are not only aesthetically pleasing (unlike their square brethren), but there is an inherantly lower risk factor. You are far less likely to cut the roof of your mouth biting on a round, rather than square scone. Think about this. Think about the halfwits who probably made your square scones in the first place - and think about their handling of a knife in this operation. One cut to your mouth with a square scone, and you're braving the dangers of blood borne diseases! Aids! Hepatitis! The Flu!

But the Defenders of the Square are no strangers to risk taking. Many moons ago, at the very birth of this raging inferno of an argument, Kipper launched into violent debate with me over the shape of the scone. Subsequently, I locked her out of my car. Not taking this lightly, she attempted to stop my car from reversing out of its car park (holding a cake under her left arm the entire time), by standing behind the car and pushing all her weight into it, all the while yelling emphatically about square scones. Eventually I stopped trying to reverse over her, and unlocked her door - only to drive off when she stepped away from the back of the car.

So now again, as was before; I emerge the victor. Unscathed by Square scones, and righteous in the Round! I have no doubt you Squarites will continue to argue; you will continue to assert your beliefs of a square scone utopia. But you know what? I have sanity on my side. You're all fucking barking.



mrmooky said...

Wikipedia knows all!

The scones in the picture look pretty round to me.

Krus, the last defender of sconehood said...

Fine, squares. I just don't care anymore. The great unwashed have won over the fickle minds of our generation and beaten out the purists. *crys bitter tears for the future generations*

Fandango Jones said...

I don't believe that there is any discourse on scones that doesn't enter the realm of insanity at some point. Even that Wikipedia entry!

'In the Scots language, a griddle is referred to as a "girdle". Therefore "griddle scones" are known as "girdle scones". This should not be confused with the girdle as a piece of ladies' underwear.'


Bozza said...

I've always been a fan of scones with jam and cream since I was a little kid and while most times I've seen them round, I don't think I could care less if they were square.

Normally when eating scones I'd either have scones with Cream and either strawberry jam or rasberry jam. Out of those two rasberry would be my favourite. But I discovered a very unique taste sensation the other day.

Recently we were given a bunch of home-grown figs by our next-door neighbour and my mum made some fig jam with them (first time she had actually made jam in a while), we had visitors down so she baked some scones. I decided to try them with cream and fig jam.

In summary I think both fig jam and rasberry jam is much better than strawberry, I just can't decide which is better out of rasberyy jam and fig jam (Let's hope this doesn't eco into a fig/rasberry VS strawberry debate).

Fandango Jones said...

That is... lovely to know. Four paragraphs of lovely, infact.

Now it may just be the dorky, peurile teenager in me... but "my mum made some fig jam" made me giggle like a drunken school-girl. Bravo.

Bozza said...

Well I'm 21 and will be 22 later in the year, so I'm well out of my teens, but maybe there is a section of my brain that hasn't quite matured yet I'm not sure. I've noticed that a lot of the people that make replies to the rantolotl entries have different alias to that of which they use elsewhere on the net.

For instance I only just found out that Kipper is Moriarty from the Revo forum (and yes I know her real name but won't mention it here).

What I'm getting to is, do I know you Fandango, do you reside in Casa Del Hanover???

Fandango Jones said...

Yes and No, in that exact order.

I'd say more, but it takes longer this way and God knows I need entertainment.

Jo said...

Square things just aint natural, same goes for scones, the scone should be round!! You serve scones with tea, on a round tray, with round mugs, round teapot and a round pot of jam - a square scone would be wrong and out of place.

Jo said...

Another point I'd like to raise is a simple matter of anatomy: the digestive tract is cylindrical. Round, in other words. As a student of anatomy (and a bloody good one) I can tell you that no chamber or passage of the human digestive tract has a tendency to be square.

The squarists will argue at this point that the scone is to be mushed through the process of chewing. The thing is, it must enter the mouth before it can be chewed, and the mouth is not square. The mouth is sort of egg-shaped, and a bitten-off section of a round scone fits the mouth nicely.

The round scone is perfectly designed for ease of consumption. The square scone is impractical and backwards.

Fandango Jones said...

The 'square scone' is just another fucking nail in the coffin of the red-blooded, blue-collared worker. Nothing but one more step (in the 'March of Progress') towards the Bourgeois dream, which is something like the 'American Dream' but with less Baseball. And you know what? Fuck Baseball, and Fuck the Square Scone!

There, I said it.