Tuesday, July 03, 2007

My career is bigger than your career...

and I take more drugs than a call centre casual...

Until recently, I was utterly amazed as what passes as a job in IT these days. It seemed like every job that somehow involved the use of a printer, keyboard, mouse, or possibly even a chair with an adjustable back somehow placed you squarely in the middle of the IT industry. Bollocks! I would think to myself, as I browsed the IT section of the jobs listings finding one job after another paying somewhere in the vicinity of $30k pa, requiring the 'IT skills' commonly found in your average 4 year old chimpanzee (they keep them in their feet). In the meantime though, actual IT jobs, jobs requiring some form of technical knowledge, experience and background, maybe even a working knowledge of information systems theory (and I don't mean 'can use Windows Vista' here), real IT jobs, seemed to have somehow turned into positions advertised under 'administration'.

It was almost as if the entire recruitment industry got together one day, got outrageously drunk, and sometime in between being kicked out of the last open bar after vomiting on the pool table, and waking up on a park bench covered in their own spit and someone else's spew, decided it would be a really, truly excellent idea to switch a bunch of industry labels around for shits and giggles. The fact that they haven't changed them back is surely an indication that they've spent the last three years completely off their smarmy fucking moulded-plastic faces. At least that might explain the voluminous number of 'positions' advertised which are either completely inaccurate or totally unrelated to any actual job on this planet.

But enough bitching about recruiters - I'm sure there'll be more than enough of that in the future - what I'm truly amazed at on this very day, is not what passes as a job in IT, but instead what manages to pass as a career in these heady days of a hither thither always-on-the-up-economy. Take Pizza Hut for example. If, for some reason you find yourself considering browsing the 'careers' section of the Pizza Hut website, in some sort of deluded idea that it might contain corporate head office 'careers', don't. This is what it contains:

Wow! I can have my very own as a career as a pizza driver! That would be awesome! First, I'd start off as an entry level pizza driver, and stick that out for six months or so until I've got enough experience to climb the ladder, and then... then I'll launch myself into the next step of my career and apply for a promotion to... hang on...wait! DAMN! A FUCKING PIZZA DELIVERY DRIVER!

Jesus fucking christ, who the fuck do they think they're kidding? They couldn't even write a convincing blurb without screwing up both the grammar and the spelling. Shows how fucking committed to providing you with a 'career' they really are. Careers for the illiterati, perhaps. But still, I shouldn't mock them and their thoughtful career advancement advice. Maybe one day, they'll let you use the computers to process the orders as they come in, and BAM! you'll be in IT! Just like that, motherfucker!

When did shitty, part time, casual, or even full time, poorly paid, underskilled, menial jobs become careers? Was there a memo on this? Did I miss it? Last time I checked, a career indicated something professional, or at least semi-professional. Something that involves enhanceable skills and maybe even a path that could be progressed... like... a career path? When I graduated high school, you could more or less work out if you had a career or not by following this simple guide:

Are you a teacher? If you answered yes, you have a career.

Are you a doctor? If you answered yes, you have a career.

Are you an office cleaner? If you answered yes, you do not have a career.

But today, after receiving the news that my job really doesn't matter all that much, and therefore no longer needs to exist in the new department structure (Hell, who needs the 'support' part of a Support department, anyhow?), I decided to peruse the various job listings the intarwebs have to offer. The first thing I learnt, was that according to most employment pages, being an office cleaner can indeed be part of an illustrious career in the year 2007. What career that may be, I'm not sure, but I'll bet it's very prestigious indeed. Maybe one day you get to stop cleaning the toilets or something. And I suppose at this point, I probably need to point out that I'm not being an arrogant arsehole towards lowly paid menial jobs - I tend to think that my lowly-paid-also-menial-job is just as 'career'-worthy... in that it is not at all. The best we can hope for is to hang around long enough so that someone might promote you into managing - whilst still working - whatever mundane, crappy task you do that keeps you off the streets for 35 hours a week.

So, as my rather limited days here wear on, I look forward to seeing what 'careers' I have in store in my near future. It's given me a whole new lease on life, in fact, it's like the future I never had. Career; here I come!

P.S. If anyone has any 'career' suggestions for myself (I'm not fussy, I'm willing to start at the bottom/middle/top, especially if they're all the same actual job), feel free to suggest away on the comments page. I've written a helpful guide below which may help you shape your career suggestions.

Things rantolotl likes in a career:

The ability to wear old jeans
Jelly beans
An appreciation of CBF Thursdays
Close proximity of workplace to a quality Thai food outlet
Unblocked internet & MSN access
A bit of spare time, but not too much


CJ said...

Teaching - aside from proximity to Thai food - its got it all! And if you became a teacher in Thailand - then WOW - VERY close proximity to Thai food...

Kipper said...

Are they axing your job? Cunts.

How about retiring? Works for me.

The Rantolotl said...

I should add something to that list:

No time wasters

(I think that excludes teaching, cj. Sorry)

And kipper, I think I'm a little too young to retire just yet. I still like actually doing vaguely productive things for starters.

The Rantolotl said...

I should add that I also believe you can do many a productive thing whilst retired, but that I require some form of direction in my day to day tasks. Huzzah!

Jonitalia said...

Consider getting paid to serve those who don't get paid. I refer to the career path of the BASO life.


Anonymous said...

Stop hogging the donna!