Friday, October 12, 2007

That man will not hang, but he fucking well should.

"Hahahaha! Hahahahaha! Look at me! I'm John Winston Howard and I'm a fucking cunt! Hahahahahaha!"


What a fucking week. Now, first, I feel it's pertinent to point out that myself and VG recently returned from our fun-and-family-filled trip to Queensland*, the uninhabitable stretch of land up north which defines the word 'backwards' in every way imaginable. When we returned back to our homeland the Awesome State**, a feeling of relief swept over us. No longer did we have to drink the dishwater derived Queenslander excuse for coffee. No longer did we have to look at scary white people with cropped, bleached hair, skins tanned within an inch of their lives. But most importantly, no longer did we have to hear people talk shit about the influx of Sudanese in their communities, being "'worse than the Abo's", and - apparently - breaking into old ladies' garages and stealing their screwdrivers (This was a 'concerned citizen' tale we heard first hand. Yes. Screwdrivers.). Or so we thought.

Mere hours later, Kevin 'Toolface' Andrews started carping on with what was to be the latest race-baiting in what seems to be fairly standard Liberal Party electioneering. You see, all those naughty Sudanese immigrants have been causing trouble and 'not integrating' by having the audacity to be beaten to death by aussie yobs. And when Andrews' comments about Sudanese refugees no longer being welcome here had time to settle, amazingly, the Sudanese community responded by being beaten up even more. So, the cops in all their brilliance, sent not a beat cop, but indeed, a detective around to have a chat to some rather intoxicated boys who'd been attending the wake of Liep Gony. Unsurprisingly, the cop was punched in the head, and the Sudanese community again received national press coverage declaring them 'Unaustralian' and 'thugs'. In the space of 12 hours, Melbourne had managed to turn into a city gripped by fear and ruled by (yet unseen) Sudanese gangs. Funnily enough, the other two recorded acts of violence in Melbourne against cops that night, including a knifing, slid by without comment. Fair enough, too - the perpetrators were white after all.

But enough about Toolface Andrews, back to us. We'd arrived back from Queensland, and we were temporarily appalled to the point where we began to wonder if we'd actually left Queensland in the first place. But as usual, the Victorian spirit shone through and it all fell back into the no big deal basket... until this morning's headlines. Howard, in an insane attempt to look like someone with a little more backbone than a fucking seahorse, declared that if he was re-elected, he'd hold a referendum in the next couple of years to recognise Indigenous Australians in the constitution. A preamble which would formally recognise - for the first time by an Australian government mind you - that Indigenous Australians were living here before British settlement. Well done, Mr Howard! Well fucking done indeed! You've managed to achieve what no person in power in the history of this backwards fucking country has, in announcing a potential formalisation of what the rest of the world considers to be the bleeding fucking obvious. Checkmate! Clearly, an election winnah is you!***

And amazingly, in the same statement and used as some form of excuse, he came up with this little gem: "The challenge I have faced around indigenous identity politics is in part an artifact of who I am and the time in which I grew up." What's that? An admission that you're ruling this country with 1940's ideals? GET OUT OF OFFICE YOU OLD FUCKING FOOL.

Right. Enough of me bitching about politicians and the news. Instead, here's some quotes of relevance:

I hate guns. - John Howard

I thank all of those who weren't born in this country for coming here and making a contribution to Australia. We are the least discriminatory country in the world, in my view. - John Howard

But I will never get to the stage of wanting to lead the nation standing in front of the mirror each morning clipping the eyebrows here and clipping the eyebrows there with Janette and the kids: It's like 'Spot the eyebrows'. - Paul Keating, regarding John Howard.

I am not like the Leader of the Opposition. I did not slither out of the Cabinet room like a mangy maggot... - Paul Keating, regarding John Howard

Maybe I'm a dull suburban solicitor - John Howard

She was my accountant, so I just believed her - John Howard

Die you fucking cunt. - The Rantolotl, regarding John Howard


*For the purposes of this blog, Brisbane is exempt from the geographical & social classifications of Queensland. Indeed, this 'city' now forms part of geographical northern NSW instead. However, please note that Brisbane's freeways - or motorways, whatever the fuck they call them - are exempt from this exemption. They are bat shit insane and clearly fall right back into the 'Queensland' categorisation.

** Melbourne. It really is the Awesome State. See? One of the most awesome things about the Awesome State in my opinion, is that back in ye olde days of bushrangers vs british, inhabitants of the Awesome State had the foresight to try and separate themselves from the mother country by fighting to establish what they would then call the Republic of North East Victoria. I reckon that's pretty awesome. What is also pretty awesome about it all, is that a lot of Victoria's bushrangers were most likely political activists, stealing gold and shit from the British Crown (banks, cops, etc) to fund the republican movement! That's way cooler than the bushrangers operating in the other states who were just poor thugs. Ironically, lots and lots of years later, we still live in a monarchy, and Victorians are still awesome.

*** Yeah, I spend too much time on the intarwebs. I'll try not to ever use that term again. Or Intarwebs for that matter. Shit. Well, maybe next time.

4 comments:

CeeJay said...

Queensland is not part of Australia...of this I am convinced. Why did anyone let them Federate? I don't understand...
When I get to re-write history in the way John "he's a cunt" Howard is doing right now I will remove the bit about Queensland joining the Federation - that will learn 'em.

your friendly neighborhood rat said...

I waited a month for THIS!?!

Anonymous said...

If I was ever in the position to label a diagram of you, I'd stick a big arrow pointing to your left knee and title it "Invalid”.

ss said...

I'm so happy that the whole anti-sudanese thing promptly fell on it's ass. Oh, and I love the quote about australia being the least discriminatory country, although I couldn't help getting very depressed shortly after reading it.

+ nice trivia about republican bushrangers - i'd never heard that before! It's really ironic that the only thing about our histroy that I'm proud of is garbage-can-wearing criminals trying to secede (sp?) from the crown. Hmmm....