Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Pints of Guinness make you strong...

I know I've been harping on about this for awhile now - well, very sporadically for awhile now... As we all know, I've been a bit shit with updates these last few months - but yes harping on and all, and not at all about shitty public transport (though I do have a few sharp words to say about tram patrons, and these so called 'ghost trains'), but indeed, about my ongoing JobQuest

As I'm sure most of you are aware, JobQuest's are usually a fairly uneven mixture of 'fun' and 'not fun'. While this recent spate of JobQuesting has had a good amount of 'fun' - ie, getting interviews for jobs that I don't remember applying for, responding to Key Selection Criteria points detailed as 'Must have significant experience of the Internet', 'Must be willing to attend team lunches', etc - it's also had more than its fair share of 'not fun'. So this morning, whilst doing a quick review of what I've been applying for in the frantic hope I could maybe piece together what exactly I'll be interviewing for next week (and what exactly I've told them in my application), I was kind of surprised to find that I had somewhere along the lines of 22 incomplete job applications, and only five fully completed and sent off apps. Until recently, I'd more or less figured I'd sent off at least 20 of the buggers... and looking at the apps, I could see why.

Almost every single unsubmitted application was entirely complete, save for one unanswered Key Selection Criteria point. In fact, one of the unapplied for documents did indeed have every point answered, albeit one point succinctly answered with the word PORN!, courtesy of Special Shane (who was kindly delivering a cup of tea to my office at the time). Other applications had some points filled with total gibberish, a fairly safe indicator that I'd tired of writing corporate wank-speak and had instead resorted to repeatedly punching the keyboard with my head. Others still contained pleas of finding some kind of magical workplace where I could wear shorts and thongs and t shirts all the time, and not have to speak to anyone except for the tea lady who would bring me cupcakes and interesting mail.

Later, comparing my semi-completed applications to my bank account details, I further determined what exactly went wrong. It seems that at each point in the breakdown of the application-writing-process - presumably often accompanied by the words "Fuck it! I don't want someone to pay me tens of thousands of dollars a year to do this thing I like doing. They'll only want me to do other things too, and lets face it, I won't be truly happy until I can turn up at 11 wearing tattered jeans" - I had resorted to giving myself a break from the whole debacle and rewarding myself for a job well done by buying random shit on the Internet.

Upon this discovery, my immediate thoughts were to amend my response to the afore mentioned '
Must have significant experience of the Internet' statement to something along the lines of:

The Internet is my realm. As demonstrated in my current position, I have wide ranging experience in Internet based research (my wikipedia skills surpass all in my field), I have soundly displayed my ability to interact on it (forums fear my awesome wisdom), I successfully use the Internet as an efficient communication tool (In this last week, I have spent at least 6 hours writing messages to contacts on MSN), and I have extensively demonstrated my ability to purchase shit on it like no one's business (my bank account is now empty, I have a week to wait until payday - but at least I'll get some really cool mail soon). Additionally, I have been proactive in my workplace in utilising the Internet as a form of new media (I have a flickr account).

To demonstrate exactly how serious this situation has become, here's a quick list of what I actually know I've ordered in the last couple of weeks...

- A Kevin07 tshirt
- An unknown quantity of Kevin07 car flags (I was hoping you can attach them to the bonnet)
- A variety of christmas and anniversary gifts in ridiculous excess (totaling six packages so far)
- A DVD (He died with a felafel in his hand)
- Some CD's (Atari Teenage Riot)
- A swimming pool (Yes, really)
- And finally, a camera for my cat.

The purchase I'm most excited about (not including gifts. I get very excited about gifts) is the cat camera. This thing is fucking awesome! It's a itty-bitty camera that's programmed to take a photo every minute until the battery runs out. You attach it to your cats' collar, and off it goes on soon to be visually-documented adventures! Now, we have two cats - one is a psycho killer bitch cat who is rather fond of Fandango Jones, and I think we can safely assume that we're not going to get the camera anywhere near her neck. The other cat is a big fluffy pool of happy molasses, who loves just about everyone - He is a truly awesome animal. Not only will he not mind the camera around his neck, he probably won't even notice it; If he does, he's likely to consider it his new best friend.

I can't wait for this camera to arrive... we'll finally get to see the adventures of Guinness - and while a lot of that will probably be photos of him napping under bushes, I think there'll probably a hefty dose of awesome cat adventures... you know, running about on rooves, visiting other cats, chasing rats, flying miniature hot air balloons and wearing aviator goggles... you know, the normal sort of activities cats get up to when no one's watching.

But I digress. Purchasing things and generally wasting time on the web seems to be my way of avoiding annoying and boring issues at hand. And now that's sorted, I'm going to finish my post, duly abandon my variety of half finished job applications, work, and assignments, and go and purchase myself a beer. After all, it's a terrible day to waste sitting inside, and I clearly deserve an award for having such an awesome cat.

The Rantolotl.

PS - OMG, it's Angry Pants Man. Long time no see.


cj said...

OMG indeed...has angry pants man grown? Have his nipples seperated? Do we have a cat camera attached to him so we can see exactly what he gets up to? Do we really want to know...

Kipper said...

I think you should start printing Angry Pants man branded office stationary.

Rat said...

A+ on the cat camera. I can't wait to see the adventures of Guinness!