Monday, March 31, 2008

Shut up Scott, you're not even really here.

With every trip to Queensland, I believe I gain further insight into the minds and the habits of your average backwater suburban redneck arsehat. Such as those who live in the thriving township of Caboolture.

Don't get me wrong - there are good things, lovely things even, to be found in Queensland. But I'm fairly sure you'll find none of said positives in the drained inland swamp lying between Brisbane & the Sunshine Coast. What you will find however, is an interesting approach to salad.

Given this appears to be the realm of the burnt bbq'd steak & the cheap and nasty safeway sausage, it should come as no surprise that the region may have a slightly flawed approach to those green edible things called salad leaves. But I assure you, these people love their salads. In fact, there seem to be three common kinds of salad available in the culinary hub of Caboolture, and interestingly, all three appear to have one thing in particular in common. Mayonnaise.

Now I like a good potato salad as much as the next person, it's true, but I also recognise the virtues of the common garden salad, as well as the marginally more exotic and always delicious chicken caesar. But true to their vision of a state lacking in greens, or indeed any realistic application of the theory of 'nutrition', these people live by the three staples; potato salad, pasta salad & coleslaw, thrusting them at you frequently in bucket sized (and sometimes even shaped) quantities all the while treating them as some kind of health food, and not like the fat & sugar laden carb-fest they really are. Completely barren of vegetables that aren't potato, if you didn't manage to stick with me there.

This really only reaffirms their position as the heart attack state... a title that runs somewhat cruelly hand in hand with their other glorious title, 'the state with fucking shithouse healthcare'. But I think the thing that disappointed me most about the salad situation, was that despite being quite clearly fond of mayonnaise, they didn't take that to the next logical step and introduce natures' finest mayonnaised salad - the good ol' waldorf. I suppose it's quite possible they tried, but just couldn't work out how to farm all those waldorfs. They tried and they tried to mate them with the pineapple crops. While it didn't succeed in establishing modern day tropical waldorf farming, it did produce the unexpected, and not entirely unpleasant byproduct, the Bourbon Pineapple Flambe Sundae (best served with mayonnaise, of course).

Hellooooo sailor!

I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that this state plays fast and loose with its nutritional health. After all, the life threatening effects of a life fuelled by pies, charred meat & potatoes in mayonnaise will probably only kick in after 40 odd years. And that would mean that you'd managed to actually survive 40 such years on Queensland roads. It appears that they believe in traffic lights just about as much as they believe in the existence of brussells sprouts. Instead, they run with the novel idea of plonking roundabouts at seemingly random intervals. Ideal solution for quiet suburban street perhaps, but I refuse to believe that this is an adequate 21st century solution to entry and exit traffic on a 4 four lane major freeway, albeit one connecting cities, airports and major tourist attractions.

I have to say, I've often wondered why drivers tend to not make any attempt to giving way to people entering freeways in the sunshine state, but I suppose if I was stuck on the giant hamster wheel that is the south east Queensland transport network on a daily basis, then I'd be rigging up the good ol' bonnet-mounted shotgun too.

But for now, I leave you. A lengthy, and at time of writing, 100% unwritten essay awaits my further procrastination. Here, keep yourself busy with the following Queensland inspired morsel;

The Vegetable Rights Militant Movement

The Rantolotl.


CJ said...

I'm sorry but there is really nothing...let me repeat...NOTHING...good about Queensland.
All I can assume is that the rantolotl is doing a big suck up to people in Queensland, hoping a few might send her money or chocolate or contraband pineapples...
But she forgets that all these things would have come from Queensland and hence be horribly tainted...

ss said...

I think you're all being too mean to queensland! I mean, they have....wait. Horrible themeparks....mostly horrible people...i guess it's the closest to civilisation we'll let our indigenous people get generally, so that's nice of us, yeah? Plus the beaches are nice and uh....i guess that's it.

Also, of *course* QLD is the heart attack state - why else would ms. Hanson have gotten voted in? They obviously weren't listening to her policies, they were just thinking about the tasty tasty liquified lard that her shop sells. Mmmm...but no dim sims.