Thursday, February 11, 2010

Politician deathmatch

Say what you will, but I'm still a bit sad that Latham was never elected to the top seat. Australian parliamentary politics would have so much more engaging. In fact, I suspect they’d be at least 60% more awesome. Better? Perhaps not, but definitely more entertaining. For starters, he wouldn't be afraid to grab Abbott by his stupid flappy ears and give him the beating he deserves. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!, he would scream, foot firmly planted on the back of dear old Tony’s sodden head, stuffed into a filthy toilet bowl out the back of some kind of gambling hall of ill repute. WHAT APPLES, MARK?! WHAT FUCKING APPLES?!


Surely this is the sort of behaviour we should expect and encourage from our erstwhile leaders. Bring back the days of honest politics where blokes were blokes and your ability to drink enormous quantities of low grade beer measured your mark as a sportsman, family man, politician, hell, even race car driver. Nothing says ‘responsible member of society’ like a booze cruise turned pirate-like expedition somewhere between the consumption of slabs number eleven and twenty three.

Australian cricketer David “The keg on legs” Boone famously drank 52 tinnies of full strength beer on a single flight. Bob Hawke, later to become Prime Minister, managed to down a yardie in the record time of 11 seconds. Now we live in a world where the little talking Boonie’s distributed with VB have been banned for setting a poor example to the darling little young‘uns. I reckon if they were stupid enough to be buying slabs of VB in the first place, a talking Boonie is the least of their problems.

But what would I know? I have a shrine to Melbourne Bitter in my house. I’m not sure there’s an official mascot for good old Melbs’ yet (do you like my abbreviation? Do you think it will stick? Is ‘Bitters’ better?), but I’m going my damnedest to create one. Recent visitors to my house have been sent away with a traveller of Melbs’, and some kind standout adornment. Last week it was capes, goggles and sailors hats. But it’s been disappointing. Not once have I seen anyone else in the street walking around with a good ol’ Melbs’ imitating the dress style of my unwitting social experiments. That said, I have noticed increased sales of Melbourne at my local, so maybe I just need to ramp up the accessorising a little and see what happens. Or just move further away from a white trash pokies venue.

As a society, we crave all these things and more in politics. We love a good stoush! And despite the weird ultra conservatism we seem to be slowly sliding into - I mean really, a drinking age of 21?! How on earth are the kiddies meant to be proud of our celebrated cultural heritage when they can’t actually participate in it? – we clearly love a bit of biffo. There’s a reason footballers – particularly the drunken-rampage-assaulty-lets-take-a-shitload-of-coke ones – get more public sympathy and support than our politicians ever will. Perhaps it’s the honesty that wins us over. “Yes, I’m a dickhead, and yes, I was pissed. But seriously, that guy deserved to be smacked in the chops! What’s wrong with that?”

I think Abbott would be up for it too. While I’m not sure he’d fare that well against Latham, I reckon he’d give it a red hot go. It’s really very difficult to imagine the same thing of Rudd. Or Bob Brown for that matter. In fact, the only thing I can think of those two dudes bringing to a schoolyard fight is a blimp and an inflatable raft. Don't ask me why, that’s just the way my brain works. Gillard would be into it I reckon, and she’d give Abbott a run for his money. Wayne Swan would of course be the little fat kid in the corner who’s screaming PICK ME! PICK ME! on the inside, but will of course remain there, sulking, silent, and unchosen. Naturally, he’ll have to defect and lead the Democrats.

As Gough Whitlam famously said; It’s time. Time for a leadership deathmatch, that is. All parties; all leaders; all cabinet and shadow cabinet members: Fight like it matters! Fight like you mean it! Show a bit of passion! But for the love of christ Abbott, do not show a bit of leg. The budgie smugglers were bad enough the first time.


fousne said...

although you've gotta wonder how many tinnies Abbot sank before deciding that budgie smuggler photographs were a *good* idea @_@

Tony 'Lollybags' Abbott said...

I'm actually more of a chandy man. Although I sometimes let it all hang out and have a few Strongbows! Although last time that happened I 'allegedly' slapped Joe Hockey on the bottom and demanded he fetch his piewagon and serve us all some pies...