Tuesday, February 14, 2006

In case of emergency, please pull pants.

There's been something bothering me for a long time. Until recently, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But then it hit me; There's something wrong with the world, and that something is the Evolution of Pants.

It started out just fine. Cavemen were getting into the clothing thing, getting around in a single-piece fur outfit, draped from the shoulders, and skirting at the bottom. This was standard active, sleep, casual & formal wear for both women & men alike.

We can then progress to the times of Ancient Egypt, Greece & Rome, where once again male & female leaders, land owners and lumpen alike, all wore legless attire. So far, so good.

But then came the British Empire, all smarmy with their cups of tea and fancy pants.

Now I'm no historager, but there seems to be a big chunk missing in the history books between "Roman Empire: Pantsless" and "British Empire Soldiers: Pants". Where did pants come from? Where are they going? And are the British responsible for what's gone wrong here?!

What do you mean wrong? You might ask. Well, I would answer. Well, well, well.

And then I would form a coherent response. Like the one below;

Pants, in theory, sound like a fine idea. In fact, they are a fine idea. Just not for men. Women can wear pants with ease - they can run, jump, play and swim in them, all without problem. Why? Because they have hips. It's natures belt. Men, on the other hand end up with the age old problem of pantlessness.

Some might attribute such occurances to drunkeness. They'd probably even be partially right, but it still doesn't alter the fact. Men + Pants = trouble. Refer to the diagram below for a less wordy explanation, as I need to go get a beer:

Meet Bob.
In figure 1, you can see Bob in all his glory, saying Hello to us all. He is happy.
In figure 2, Bob has purchased a brand new pair of pants! He is happy.
In figure 3, Bob has discovered the problem with wearing pants on his manly frame. He is angry and embarrassed. His shame is unhidden from the world (actually, it still looks pretty hidden to me).

Now, lets compare Bobs first scenario with the one below;

In figure 1, we see Bob happy, as he was prior to his experiment into Pants wearing.
In figure 2, Bob has tried a different style of dress; a dress! Bob is pleased with his purchase, and is happy.
In figure 3, we complemented Bob's dress with a lovely sunhat. Isn't he pleased!

So there you have it. Comprehensive proof that men should avoid pants. The Romans had it right, and not just with the lions. Togas are here to stay! Women; surrender your dresses and give them to your male friends and family. Together, we can build a better, safer, and more sensible world.

See? Yet another avoidable pants-folly

Remember boys, just say no to Pants.


Anonymous said...

There is actually a valid reasoning behind Men wearing pants: population control. I'm not talking about some conspiracy about tight jeans causing hipsters to become sterile (if only), no. I'm talking about keeping the numbers of Wild Pants in check so as they don't spill over into populated areas causing mass-pantage and bloody carnage. You've seen what a pack of piranas will do to unwary people or livestock? Un-garmentized Pants make piranas look as harmless as a cheeseburger placed in front of a hungry drunkard.

That or, you know, people like to keep their legs warm... either/or.

the rantolotl said...

C'mon! Scots wear kilts and they live on a giant fucking frozen rock! Warmth is not the issue here!

Anonymous said...

Hey! Don't bring The Scots into this. That's like bringign a lizard to a pie-fight!
It doesn't count and you know it; Scots are Cold-blooded and you know it!

Anonymous said...


Just for good measure.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Thems be some sexy sexy diagrams. Especially the last red-underpanted individual.

Anonymous said...

Damn right about the scots, but then again, it may just be that your average highland celt is a hard bastard. Consider this: no trousers or underpants in a country where the thistles are waist-high!

miss joy said...


good exhibit, that was. i also have the book.