Friday, February 17, 2006

Bathrooms and OH MY GOD! What the hell is in my coffee?!!

I'm at work, chillin', 'bout to write another installment to rantolotl regarding yesterdays happenings, fo' yo' ghetto asses. yo' momma ho. Werd. Is 'werd' still in? I never know. Anyone who says otherwise can experience some form of arse-cap busting scenario. Or something. Yo momma.

Anyhoo, back to said rant.

I don't take my coffee with sugar. If I ever wanted to, I suspect I'd probably ask for some. But what I take total fucking exception to is when I find mystery sweetness in my coffee. Today, I got that in a chunky, crunchy, and definately not sugar sort of way. Just as I'm logging in to post a rant, I take one of the few remaining sips from my tall, and until this point, tasty Hudsons coffee. To be precise, it was a straight up skinny cap. No bullshit syrups, no whipped cream, and definately no fucking sprinkles. So as you can imagine, I'm duly surprised when a sort of sweet sludge in contained in said sip. I'm even more surprised when I discover that this sludge is crunchy.

I'm actually still drinking it. It has me totally fascinated - and this isn't the first time it's happened to me. My first experience with stealth sweet crunchy stuff (which I assure you is definately not sugar) hiding in the bottom of my cup, was at Gloria Jeans. If the fact they served my coffee with unwanted whipped cream & sprinkles on top, and that they are run by & fundraise for right wing lunatics wasn't enough to put me off their beverages, then the crunchy shit at the bottom of the fucking cup was.

I'm not a massive supporter of multi-nationals and all that shit, but frankly, the reasons are mounting to not use them at all. First Dominos (read more), now Hudsons. I suspect the next time I eat at McDonalds I'll find a fucking fetus in my burger. So, my dilemma; Hudsons is now inserting odd crunchy shit in my cups of coffee. What do I do? The cafe at the bottom of my building is run by gorillas who can't brew for shit. The next closest coffee-arium is Hudsons. Anything else is out of work-skyving range and will probably get me fired. Is it really possible I'll have to face going back to instant? Aren't those barbaric days over? Why not seal the deal and take away my DSL and give me a fucking 28.6k modem in its place, too.


And in case you're wondering about the bathroom aspect, well, to cut a long story short my office bathroom is flooding. I was just washing my hands - quite innocently I might add - and the tap starts thumping. Water pressure increases. I cautiously remove my hands from the sink and slowly take a step backwards. The water flow stops ever so breifly, then explodes with brown, then red, water. I carefully lean over and try to turn the tap off, but to no avail. The fucking tap is possessed. There's foul water everywhere. I leave the bathroom. Hastily.

Hopefully the woman I left in there worked something out. Maybe she used a rubbish bin as a raft or something.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hmm.. I always did suspect that Hudsons were cunts. I just never gave them a chance to show me their cunning, sugar-sludge cuntery.

I can only suggest you let loose a few poison spitting cobras in their staff room.

CJ said...

But what about the red water.....?

the rantolotl said...

I don't know - I'm sure as hell not using it again...

Anonymous said...

Hudsons deserve to exist solely for the fact that they serve decent chai lattes. Sure, they put too much sugar in the syrup, but still - where else in backward Melbourne can you get such a beverage.

Oh, and Starbucks for their green tea frappes.

I'm serious!!

the rantolotl said...

You're fucking mad. You can get them all over Melbourne now, Frenchy. They were just waiting for you to leave.

Alt-o said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Alt-o said...

awwww.... i think somedody needs a hug.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had a spleen that wasn't soiled :(

Anonymous said...

'comment deleted' ?!?

I smell a conspiracy!

... oh wait, that's just my socks...

the rantolotl said...

Hang on, I deleted nothing! What the hell are you up to, Blogger? huh?!