Friday, February 03, 2006


Last night I went to a film festival. It was a pretty casual affair, designed for people who owned little more than a camcorder and could lure 'friends' into production roles with promises of 'lunch'. I might offer a simple warning to readers here; if you ever find yourself in the position of 'friend', this free lunch may or may not exist, and I'm willing to count on the fact that if it does, it's probably in another time dimension. I know this, because I've offered said 'lunch' before (If any of my 'friends' are reading this, don't worry, it's just satire - your lunch is on the way. I swear.)

While this was a very amateur event, it certainly didn't stop the wankers from coming out of the woodwork. Entrants and spectators alike, pretentious hats & tinted sunglasses were in full swing and were further encouraged by the lack of knowledgeable people around to tell them they were talking shit. Falling apart wooden benches, decrepit couches & crap beer were the features of the venue (it was a beer garden), and by the end of the night they were all covered in bird shit (yes, the beer as well). But by the attitudes of the attendees, this was a red carpet waiting for them to stroll down in all their glory. Too bad 90% of the films were beyond saving. Oh - did I say film? I meant 'project'. Because we don't make films in our fancy hats anymore - no, we make projects. these are all three and four minute projects that cost us all of our creativity, and my fucking god, I'm a genius! That's why only I may wear the hat. When you're this good, you can get your own damned hat (but it won't be as good as mine).

While this conversation may not have actually occurred, I think it came pretty damned close. I love the idea of these 'projects' - you can turn any mundane creative idea into something new, something brilliant, something groundbreaking, just by replacing the name for its actual medium and replacing it with 'project'. I fear speaking to these people. They seem to get upset easily.

Me: "Hey dude, I like your new film".
Artist: "Film? What film?!"
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was just your film being shown then. Sorry to bother you."
Artist: "Film?! No, it's my project. It's not finished yet, either, but it's more than film, it's an audio-visual breakthrough. I'm creating new techniques. This is beyond film."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry... it was a nice project. I really like documentaries."
Artist: "Documentary?"
Me: "Ummm.... nice hat?"
Artist: "You can't have my hat!"

Well, I'm about to start working on my first three-to-four minute project. I'll call it 'going to the bathroom'. It will be a first in combining handwashing, flushing and bodily functions. Hmmm, maybe I should stop there before I ruin the storyline.


Anonymous said...

Storyline? What, are you trying to limit yourself before you even begin?! Any project worth it's salt trancends the limited commentary of traditional, so called 'storylines' and forges new paths into realm of fully-body-experince bard-ism.
Not only do you get to wear a twatty hat, but you get to hit your 'audience' (what an outdated term) with wooden mallets.

Anonymous said...

Shuttup, artist.

Anonymous said...

It's 'artiste' to you, phillistine!

Anonymous said...

Will she poop? I can't tell!

Esmerelda Smith said...

and will there be a bathroom survey in said bathroom...?
Will there be disinfectant?
A toilet brush?
hygeninc seat covers so you dont get impetaigo from the filthy flesh sat there before you??

Who can tell?