Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Without MSG I am nothing...

I deal with a few student accounts at work, and one thing I've noticed is the number of people who're named with what would typically be considered two 'first names'. Like, Luke Allan. Garry Paul, et al. What kind of fucking idiot would allow their children to be named something so incredibly stupid, and outright boring in a day and age where you're lucky if your name actually is recorded somewhere other than in yet another fucking database. Let's face it, personal endearment is not likely to happen to any of these kids, is it? - you take one look at Luke fucking Allan, and you're going to get so damned confused you're never going to bother writing their name in your birthday book(does anyone even own one of those?), let alone trying to work out how to address them in conversation. These poor suckers are bound for a life where everyone they meet will be too uncomfortable to talk to them 'Is it Mr Allan, or Mr Luke? - I'll never know!' Your drivers license, your bank account, and all other manner of records will always be wrong and you'll spend your entire life fighting bureaucratic red tape, trying to explain that 'yes, I do in fact know what my own name is, even if the computer thinks it knows better'. Think carefully before you name your children, they'll suffer for the next 18 years, or even the rest of their lives if they're too stupid to change their name by deed poll (which is a distinct possibility given the demonstrated intelligence of their parentage).

Another great naming trait is to pick the worlds most common name, and give it to your child. God knows why. A friend of mine is named David, and his brother is named Michael. I can't remember what their middle names were, but I distinctly remember them being equally mundane. I also distinctly remember them being pissed the last time I pointed that out to them. Ah well, lets hope they don't read this. Fucking crybabies.

So in conclusion, the only excuse for any of this behaviour is that you live in Queensland. Or grew up there. Or want to move there. We just spent the last few days up there and if nothing else, it served as a timely reminder of exactly why I hated every fucking minute when I lived there a few years back. It's filthy, it's hot, and they don't believe in vegetables.

Lets just take a look at what Queensland has produced in recent history:


Ahhh! It's Pauline Hanson! This biggoted bitch from the middle of fucking nowhere was an absolute classic in Australian history, representing the opinions of almost every 'native' Queenslander I've ever met, up to and including my favorite piece of hate - telling the indigenous people of Australia to 'go back to where they come from'. Fucking ignorant troublemaker. It was a satisfying moment when she was eventually locked up for electoral fraud. Not so satisfying when she then became Australias b-list celebrity sweetheart. "We love her as long as she doesn't go near parliament again" Ehh. I think I'd love her more with an axe between the eyes.


It's the Crocodile Hunter himself, Steve Irwin! Now running "Australia Zoo" in the middle of nowhere in Queensland, Steve Irwin continues to make a grade-A ass of himself at every given opportunity. Everyone called Jacko crazy, mad & irresponsible when he dangled his child off that hotel balcony awhile back. When Irwin did it (over a Crocodile, mind you), he was just a Queenslander.


Four X beer. Or is it mean to be written as XXXX beer? Maybe FourEx Beer, like FedEx? I'm going to hope it's the latter, because that would indicate that it's going to be couriered as far away from me as possible, which has to be a good thing. This shit is feral, and nothing can be said more succinctly than my partners opinion on this particular beverage: "I would rather drink my own piss".

In addition to having to be in the stamping ground of all the above, we also had to endure the endless tailgaiting, the large piles of red dirt hundreds of kilometers from anywhere that people insist on living on top of, and amazingly, a whole new world of racism - usually coming from the mouths (and fists) of suburban white trash that take pride in the upkeep of their local bikey gang. Bravo, Queensland, Bravo.

So, I think that ore or less makes it conclusive - Queensland is a shithole. Take World/Infernos advice: If you're dumb enough to move there, then you belong there.



P.S. Bonus points go to whoever can tell me where the title for this post came from. Fandango is banned from this...

12 comments:

Fandango Jones said...

"Fandango is banned from this..."

Fuck this blog and their foolish pride
Which lets them think they can get away with this
*wink*

Besides, there is actually some variety of XXXX that (taking the price range into consideration) is not all that bad. I'm not saying this as an endearment or anything, but I'd take it over VB at least.

Kateaclysmic said...

1. People (usually) give their kids their own surname. They don't think, "I'm going to give my kid two first names!". Something that shits me is the nerve of the English cricket player Richie Richardson naming him as such. That is retarded.

2. I own a birthday book.

3. I like Queensland! In fact I do intend to move there.

the rantolotl said...

1) This is true, but you can at least make the kids first name a little more interesting, or, even better, CHANGE YOUR OWN FUCKING SIRNAME SO IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

2) You would.

3) I think that just goes to prove my point...

Sorry, that was mean. Just pretend #2 also answered #3.

the rantolotl said...

and one more thing...

NO BONUS POINTS FOR YOU!

Fandango Jones said...

Or soup, for that matter.
Damned QLD lovers and their damned birthday books.

Nodge said...

www.gothicgolf.com/images/truthaboutQLD.jpg

Esmerelda Smith said...

Is it a song?>???

Anonymous said...

Trouble with Australia is that, to the rest of the world, Austrailia is all about XXXX, Steve Irwin, kangaroos and boomerangs. Oh, and don't forget Kylie - she fine!

Anyways, the culture and the politics and everything else come second. First thing us foreigners think about is how much Mr Irwin's life insurance is, cos it sure aint gonna be cheap... You may be horrified (or pleased, I dunno) to know that yes, XXXX is exported, and here in the UK it's the staple diet of people who live on a park bench.

G'day.

the rantolotl said...

So - it appeals to the same market worldwide then...

Esmerelda Smith said...

Pauline Hanson was the face of white australia for quite some time.

If I were australian - which I am not - I would be very fucked off that her ugly face was represeneting me.

the rantolotl said...

Christ, I spent a long time telling international students I was boarding with atht the time, that she didn't represent any of us, and that they were quite welcome here.

Which probably carried, until the hate crimes at least.

Esmerelda Smith said...

She is truely insane.

Though she did provide a lot of mimicry and amusement.

Please explain/???