Friday, March 31, 2006

It's my Birthday!

Victory is mine! The signs in the bathroom have finally been taken down! Ha!

Rantolotl: 1 , University: 0. Bam!

It's my birthday today, and I think this entitles me to special privileges above all people who aren't celebrating their birthdays. Namely, the right to do whatever the hell I please, and to hell with the consequences. What do I plan to do? I plan to arrive at work at 11, and respond in a happy & cheery voice to the questions inquiring 'what happened', 'was your train delayed', 'anything wrong', etc, etc... with "It's my Birthday!" Maybe I could even add a little skip to my step as I say it.

When I go and get myself a coffee and the guy in front of me is taking too long to order, I'll punch him in the side of the head. When everyone asks 'What the fuck? What the hell did you do that for?!' as the man is lying on the ground (in foetal position), sobbing pathetically, I'll respond again; "It's my Birthday!" (with even more skip in my step!). Without skipping a beat, they'll immediately (and happily) ask me for my order. I might kick the guy on the ground in the ribs a few times for being a wimp while I wait.

When the ticket nazis get on my tram and ask me for a ticket, I'll respond the same; "It's my Birthday!", sporting an inane grin. But, it won't help me, because they have no soul & will give me a fine anyway. They might, in fact, be robots. I'm not sure yet - my investigation is still incomplete.

Anyway, you should all buy me a drink the next time you see me, because "It's my Birthday!". And if you don't, you're a cunt.

On to more pressing matters; Many people have asked me, urged me even, to fill you all in on what the Couch Dweller did in/to/around our house while my partner & I were in Queensland - so, here's the story (fury and all);

I'm at work, my partner has just left the house and is on her way in to meet me, so we can head to the airport. Now, I know she's left the house, because she's kindof anal about flight times and there's no way she'd be running late to catch the bus. So - when she somehow magically signs into ICQ, despite her not being there, I make the assumption that our computer hasn't by some sort of voodoo magic turned itself on. Furiously, I message my housemate, and tell him to get into our room and tell whoever's on our computer to get the fuck out. Unfortunately, he turns out to not be at his computer, but informs me when he gets back, that it's the Couch Dweller. I repeat the same request to him, with an addendum of "And can you turn the computer off after she's topped using it". Which he does.

So - many hours later, in fact, maybe even a day or two, I get a text message from Nodge, informing me that a 'friend' appears to be using our computer. Now I'm really pissed off. Sure - it might sound a little anal, but really, she's not our guest, we would prefer to not know her from a bar of soap, and she's now in our bedroom, using our computer at will, without even bothering to ask us. The really stupid part of all this is that the housemate she is a guest of has a perfectly functioning computer in his room. Maybe our room has better ambiance or something. Either way, the bitch must die.

The good news at least, was that she had told my partner that she would be gone by the time we got back. Catching a bus the day before we returned, I believe. So, coming home; I was prepared for minor annoyance, stuff like an unmade couch and all that sort of crap, but you can imagine how pissed I was to walk in, and then find all her shit still in our living room. And by 'all her shit', I mean everything. The bags, the detritus, and the fucking didgeridoo. I immediately, and repeatedly announced that I was not happy. This didn't really do much to resolve the situation.

What we were even more surprised to find was that my partners bike was missing (later found lying in the front yard, unlocked), and that our floor lamp (it's over 6ft high!) had migrated to her couch. When I asked for it back, she started whimpering about it being 'so dark, I had to use it!', and then, 'I thought you were coming back tomorrow' - as if that made it any bloody better. To get to this lamp in our bedroom, she managed to unplug everything including our alarm clock, and shift our bed. Impressive. What was even more impressive was when I went to replace the light globe in the lviing room light that she claimed was broken, and much to my surprise, I found that the light worked perfectly fine - it has a dimmer next to the switch, and after she turned the dimmer down to low a week or so ago, she promptly forgot it existed and instead stole our furniture-like lamp. Idiot.

Add to this the piles of general shit she left lying around - like the carton of milk and bowl of cornflakes that apparently sat on the bench for four whole days in 30 degree weather (celsius for you northern hemispherites), which the non-beguested housemate cleaned up. I yelled at her, Carlene yelled at the housemate that bought her there, and K man hid in his room. An hour later, I go through the living room, and find she's made the couch, she's packed her bags, and she's nowhere to be seen. I grin heartily on both the inside and out. And the ridiculous thing about all this was that she's a smart enough woman, she's pleasant enough on the whole, but she is extremely fucking annoying and downright inconsiderate. So; while she sat around sulking and waiting to be taken to the bus station, my partner was relatively nice to her, trying to make her feel like not everybody in the house hated her. I just wanted to find the nearest cannon to shoot her out of. All I can say now is that she's finally gone somewhere that deserves her; Adelaide.

So, the moral of the story is - If we had returned on my birthday, instead of the yelling and the waiting and awkwardness, it would have been simple:

"Pack your bags and get out of our house!"
"But why?" responds the all-too-innocent sounding backpacker...
"Because it's my birthday! OUT!" *skip!*

The rantolotl.


Esmerelda Smith said...

I dont think ANYONE should have to go to work on their birthday!

I should start a political party and make that a policy.

Fandango Jones said...

Perhaps you could affiliate yourself with that Swedish Pirate Party?

Esmerelda Smith said...

Or perhaps I could just be a pirate... arrrrrr me hearties.

Kit said...

D'oh! I was just reading the back blogs. Happy 2 months belated Birthday. Sorry I missed it. but we're a day or so behind you any.