Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Fools and kippers

Sometimes when I've recently updated rantolotl, I spam everyone on my MSN/AOL lists to let them know it's up. Here's a recent conversation

The Rantolotl: updatalotl

Idiot: Is an updatalotl a rantolotl update?

The Rantolotl: No. It's a fucking penguin.

Idiot: What?

The Rantolotl: Never mind - wrong window. And yep, it's an update.

Idiot: Ah, ok! I'm reading it now!

To tell the truth, this happens a lot. The moral of the story is to not combine words willy-nilly. It clearly fucks with peoples sense of time and space, and general equilibrium. Save them for a day where you can have an entire conversation with them in imaginary words, and wait for the satisfying "pop!" of their head exploding. Then make tacos.

Now, speaking of foolishness, check this out: Christian lunacy takes a stand.

Some of my favorite quotes and a bit of a summary...

"With her lawsuit, the 22-year-old student joins a growing campaign to force public schools, state colleges and private workplaces to eliminate policies protecting gays and lesbians from harassment. The religious right aims to overturn a broad range of common tolerance programs: diversity training that promotes acceptance of gays and lesbians, speech codes that ban harsh words against homosexuality, anti-discrimination policies that require college clubs to open their membership to all. "

" The Rev. Rick Scarborough, a leading evangelical, frames the movement as the civil rights struggle of the 21st century. "Christians," he said, "are going to have to take a stand for the right to be Christian." "

" The legal argument is straightforward: Policies intended to protect gays and lesbians from discrimination end up discriminating against conservative Christians. "

Gah! What pisses me off most about these people - just like the right to lifers trying to outlaw abortion - is that they seem to think they have the right to force their particular strain of religion onto everyone else around them - yet the courts keep listening. But what else would you expect from the country that allowed schools to outlaw the teaching of evolution, in favour of creationism. Secular my arse. Now I went to a religious high school, and yeah, they spoke a lot of bollocks about this and that, but on the whole anyone there who gave a toss about god really didn't give a shit what was going on around them, wether it be Sean & Mike shagging behind the sports sheds, or the regular poker game being run during Sunday chapel - they simply just got on with their day and left us alone. But Fundamentalists? Even at the tender age of 15, they aspire to be intolerant arseholes - organising squads of thuggish schoolmates to beat up the kids who didn't adhere to their high moral standards, harrassing and even getting teachers fired - generally being total fuckheads. By year 10, they'd usually copped a pretty fucking good beating for their efforts.

People bitch about fundamentalist Muslims, but I'd be more worried about the Christians - the government doesn't spend millions of dollars trying to keep them out of the country. These people run for parliament and make statements such as 'Lets drive satan from the suburbs', and 'lesbians are witches who should be burned at the stake' - that sounds like terrorist activity to me, Ruddock. Lock them up! Lock them up!

Fundamentalist anythings are fucking bad news. I don’t even know what they think they’re achieving. Beating the shit out of a queer is not going to make them, or anyone near them, any more inclined to believe in your god. In fact, it’ll probably do precisely the opposite. But when God is on your side, apparently you’re allowed to beat people into submission, oh, I mean, beat them into faith. Yes, faith.

I think Fandango says it best;
“It's things like that, people like that, that lead me to believe that there are a significant number of people who 'find God' purely to justify their own fucking predujices”

I think it’s about time for Rantolotl to get all holy on their arses and create its own religion with all the frills. We’ll have religious holidays, we’ll have a government registered charity, and we’ll write a few paragraphs in our holy book that might be construed as permission to slap morons with kippers. Repeatedly. Hell, our temple will be a fucking brewery. And you know what? The government can fuck off with its liquor licensing laws, because we’re fucking fundamentalist holy beer drinkers. We’ll fight for our god given right to kick the arse of any of these fucking blasphemous tee-totallers. Fuck them and their puritanical livers. If they’re found dead in a gutter with a couple of kippers sticking out of their jumpers, then ask no questions - we’ll tell no lies; THE FUCKING BLASPHEMOUS CUNTS DISCRIMINATED AGAINST US BY REMAINING SOBER! CRUSADE! CRUSADE!!

Oh! oh! oh! And we’ll have special hats!!!

But really - children have imaginary friends too, but they keep them to themselves. Just because you’re all grown up now and have worked out you can act like an arsehole under the banner of religious worship doesn’t make you righteous – it makes you a total fucking prick. The next time you see a kipper, fucking run. It has your name on it.


Fandango Jones said...

Yeah. Make them all concentrate on fearing the Kipper; then the Pineapples will take them fully bu surprise!

They'll be like:
"We're wise to your Kippery ways now, you can't defeat us with your fish!"

And we'll be all:

And so on, and so forth...

So I guess the moral of this story is that the WMDs were hiding in the fruit salad all along.

the rantolotl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
the rantolotl said...

It's all so obvious now!

Bozza said...

After reading the LA Times article I think it would be nice to see those ultra-right-wing Christains' houses get firebombed by terrorists.

After all if these terrorists happened to be extremists from a religion that is opposed to Christianity, then it would be blatent hypocrisy for the right-wing Christians to complain, because by their own definition they would be 'discriminating' against the terrorists' religion!

Jesus H Krus said...

Drinking beer and setting mormon traps, two of the key aspects of Krustianity! Join today, get 2 atonements for the price of 1.

Fandango Jones said...

Our God is better than your God, he takes more drugs than a touring funk band SING IT!

Anonymous said...

So the pineapple is the real deal, while the kipper was merely a red herring... did I miss anything?

Kipper said...

Matthew 22:44 And the LORD said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand, till I make thine enemies thy footstool.

Kipper 1:1 And the LORD said unto my Lord, spit thou in my right hand, till I make thine enemies thy footstool, coffee table and 3-seater La-Z-Boy.

Bozza said...

Kippers biblical knowledge has made me jealous, I'm going to have to try and draw out my biblical knowledge;

To defend one's choice thou must abort Barnaby Joyce - Psalms 6:66

Fandango Jones said...

So, if I am to infer what this Matthew chap says literally, God will smite your enemies so long as you let him fish around in your bathing suit area? And if Priests are the hands and eyes of God...

I guess Altar boys make an awful lot of enemies!

Anonymous said...

This is the first rantolotl that I haven't read to the end. Frankly, it bordered on rantolotl-supremacy a bit too much.

Esmerelda Smith said...

What does a Mormon trap look like? Does it snare them on their bikes? Or is it when they knock on the door - like does a net drop down on them from the sky?

the rantolotl said...

A mormon trap can take on many forms - sometimes it's underground jail, othertimes it can be a simple as a trail of jam covered bread. Krus can fill you in on the details, it's his primary profession.

And to Anonymous - your anonymity stings. It sears. I'm not about to take it easy on anyone who thinks they can beat up and discriminate against minority groups just because their god says so.

I respect peoples rights to religious belief - I just don't think that they in turn have the right to impose that same belief (or elements thereof) of whoever they see fit; by the law, by the fist, or by preaching hate. While we live in a secular state, religion is a personal, private matter; not one of governance and law.

Krus said...


A simple sketch of one of the many mormon traps that you can set-up in you own front yard.

Anonymous said...

Very nice trap, Krus. Reminiscent of the "punji stick" trap used by the Viet Cong. Learn from the Cong: smear shit on the spikes so that any non-fatal wounds quickly become infected.