Tuesday, April 18, 2006

More with the pants!

If I was king of the world, I would decree that every person named Meg be renamed to Mog, and then forcibly equipped with their choice of cat tail or ears. Trust me, it'd be for the greater good.

That aside, lets get onto more important matters. Like what the fuck is wrong with the youth of today. I'm walking down the street today looking for my usual mid morning coffee fix, when I see a kid somewhat akin to the guy second from left in the following promo photo for a band that call themselves "Lower Class Brats":



I think they've got it wrong. With pants like that, they should be calling themselves "Upper Middle Class White Trash". They can sing about rebellion in the mall. And shoes. And how mean their parents are. Hey guys, only kidding - I like your music, and respect your garment related freedom of choice. But really, once Ashton Kutcher's worn your style, it's over - these pants are the new mullet.

I really don't understand why people actually would wear these pants. There are fucking heaps of styles around that really suck; I hate the 80's style wide belt that serves absolutely no purpose, often found on young women in malls. I can only laugh at guys in designer pink shirts with upturned collars and what can only be described as 'chicken head' hair styles; they look like early nineties gay bar rejects (funnily enough, these are the exact same guys who beat up on queers today). I don't even begin to know what people were thinking with the moccassin-boot trend, but skinny-leg pants still take the cake. Wear them, and it's a slippery slope to fashion hell; you will probably end up bearing a resemblance to an overdressed 14 year old on their way to a hardcore stylin' party (and by the way, Billy told me that Jenna's older boyfriend might be bringing a six pack along... SCORE!!!). But the consequences might be even worse... take the tight pants fetish too far and you could end up like this;


And once you've got there, the decline is inevitable. First this;


And then fishing around in another mans tight pants...



And then, well, total loss of dignity. Standing around in a field in your underwear, 'fighting'...


All of this humiliation for no payment. They had a choice. They chose to wear bad pants. For christs sakes, save what's left of your dignity and become a hooker, earn some money and buy some real pants.

Fashion is dangerous my friends. Not unlike those 60 year olds you see getting around in psychadelic mu-mu's, wearing tinted glasses and refusing to admit they are not the new black anymore, some people will not grow out of this fashion. DO NOT BECOME A VICTIM. The next time you go shopping, ask yourself these questions:

1) Will you have to punch yourself in the face in 5 years, if you find this garmet in your closet?
2) Does this garment make you look horrendously unattractive?
3) Does this garment cause you physical pain?
4) Will you look like a fucking idiot?

If you get a yes to any of these, I suggest reconsidering. Sure - there are waves we all participate in, one way or another, that we cannot deny in later years look stupid. We probably had an inkling all along, but were prepared to risk it, because we liked it. But if you're doing this to fit into subculture a, b, or c, then go for another look - get a mohawk, paint yourself up a nice leather jacket, or go get some chains... whatever suits you best, whatever you find comfortable. Because tight jeans suit absolutely no one, and when I'm king of the world, my second decree will be to burn every fucking pair, irrespective of the fact you might be wearing them.

I'd like to thank turkishwrestling.com for their assistance in this timely public service announcement, and wish to take this opportunity to remind you all of the rantolotl caption competition (go to the comments section for details). C'mon, there's free crap to win!


The rantolotl.

9 comments:

Krus said...

Just how long have you been looking for a reason to use those photo's?

Bozza said...

Hmmm there are some garments in my wardrobe I should set fire to. I will emphasise though, if I don't like them, it's probably because someone bought them for me (i.e. as a gift).

Anonymous said...

Tight jeans suit me, next time you're here I'll show you. Granted they don't suit me quite as much as baggy combats, but still...

Hanif Leylabi said...

Wow that guy has the flattest stomach ever!

Mr Mooky said...

To his credit, the Lower Class Brat on the left is looking very Clockwork Orangey. That should count for something.

Anonymous said...

Bozza said...
"it's probably because someone bought them for me (i.e. as a gift)"

How else could that have been taken, if not as a gift?

the rantolotl said...

a bribe. Duh.

Jo said...

Or as a statement or prank, or another such jibe.

Fandango Jones said...

Add threat to the list, for sure.

I once scared a group of Tweens into submission by threatening them with an 'Old Man Hat'. True Story.