Monday, May 22, 2006

Get off my train!

I am very fucking sick of people bringing children out in public. Don't get me wrong - some kids a great. They're fun to be around, they talk like adults, and they wear cool pants. But really, the majority are screaming little shitheads who bear little resemblance to living, functioning human beings. And they'll probably grow up to be equally obnoxious adults who drive SUVs in the city and just generally be wankers. And now, for the comfort of the people who choose not to have children for this very reason, they must be silenced.

It's mean. And nasty. And particularly horrible. These people bring their screaming balls of phlegm out into the public sphere, and it's always the total strangers that end up suffering. These little human missiles of annoyance deliberately target these people - the young couples and singles that are outright scared of children. It's like they have a sixth sense for it or something. I understand that the parents of these monsters want to share their pain, and sometimes, I'd like to walk up to them, reassuringly pat them on the shoulder, and say; "There there, one day they'll grow up and leave home. Or maybe they won't. That's why you should take this business card for my locksmith. He's good, and cheap!" But somehow, I think my advice would go unappreciated. Parents are always so uppity.

I remember the day one of those children targeted me in an inner city supermarket. I tried to leap out of its erratically weaved path, but ended up with the fucking thing stuck under my coat. As I span around trying to get it out, I repeatedly yelled "Ah!!" in an effort to get some help. It was like being stuck in some sort of reverso spiderweb. Every which way I darted, the stupid thing remained stuck. My friends, instead of helping me, merely laughed. I was yelling "Gah! Get it out! Get it out! " when it finally came free. With my somewhat audible exclamation of "Thank fuck for that!" I glanced around angrily, looking for its parents so I could yell loudly in their direction - when I noticed its mother looking at me, equally angrily. She stepped towards me, and I hastily retreated up an aisle.

You see?! THAT is what they're capable of.

But it's on public transport where they're the worst. Their parents often try and confine them to a seat, but it usually just increases the whining and the crying. Maybe they should install some form of sound proofed caging to the carriage ceilings - you know, a bit like luggage racks, but for children instead. They could scream, they could laugh and they could cry while they all romped together in this custom made child-prison... I mean, pen. No! I mean playgroup! It would also stop those fucking arsehole parents from beating the shit out of their child either physically or mentally when the kid doesn't do what they say. Really - anyone who doesn't have the basic understanding that children are not rational creatures, and as such, will never always do what you ask without at the very least a long winded explanation, if not extreme amounts of squealing - well, they just shouldn't have children. They will be dramatically, if not increasingly disappointed... and will turn into those parents (which is never, ever a cure for those children).

The predecessor to the screaming, ranting, uncontrollable, jam covered four year old is of course, the baby in a pram. Now this, this is entirely down to the parents. I like to call them 'pram people'. These are the wankers who push their prams about in extremely crowded areas, and use their four (or sometimes three) wheeled, child laden vehicles to barge, obstruct and cause general chaos in densely pedestrianed areas. I understand that parents need to shop - but for fucks sake, there are better ways of doing it. If you have to take your kid with you, go to the local supermarket instead of taking it to some already overcrowded market in the city where you're just going to piss everybody off even more than the old vicious grandmothers with the shopping jeeps. Rrrrrr!

Those pram people are incredulous. They'll evolve into those fucking parents that don't care how their childs behaviour impacts those around them. They have about as much respect for the people around them as they do for the cyclist they almost ran over in their 4WD on the way into the city. They seem to think that everyone wants to hear their kid demand another ice cream, just so they can watch the stupid thing smear it all over their pudgy little demon face. But on the whole, taking children out in public is simply a desperate parents cry for help. Help them. Offer them directions to an abortion clinic, lest this might happen again. Maybe the address to an adoption center, or simply, perhaps, the phone number of a boarding school. That would buy them a good six or seven years.

And one more thing - can anyone tell me where the fuck children get all their jam from?! They're always covered in that shit. Fucking sticky little midgets.


Fandango Jones said...

You think it get's much better after the small, clingy and noisy stage? Hell no! Fucking little buggers grow into smary teenage pricks, taking up valuable trian real estate and being far too damned loud in their discussions of just who is a bitch for sleeping with/not sleeping with random persons X, Y, and Z.
And don't even get me started on pram people; those bastards! SOme bright-spark couple decided to force their way onto an already overloaded train once, and decided that the best place for the pram was at the entrance/exit to my seating area. Yeah, thanks you cunts, s I cannot get out of the train at all until they did. Which was a long damn way past my stop.

I need a damned taser.

Fandango Jones said...

See?! They fill me with so much rage that I can't even type properly!

If you hear a distant popping sound followed by a vague and muffed scream, don't worry. That'll just be the sound of me bursting a vein and then being burnt by my boiling blood.

the rantolotl said...

Fuck I hate those people. It's just downright inconsiderate and outright fucking obnoxious. And you're right - teenagers aren't a whole lot better. Some stupid kid decided to try and ride his bike down the center of the crowded train aisle yesterday... a smart move that was too. *thwap thwap thwap* as his handles hit [i]every fucking seat[/i]. Dick.

Not only are they inconsiderate, they're also fucking stupid. But at least they're less jam-dipped.

Kipper said...

And why will parents insist upon weilding their children like weapons? People strap their child in to a stroller and hack their way through crowds by shoving the child repeatedly into people's legs.

And then when you shove back in self-defence it's all "how dare you shove my son" or some such hypocrisy. "Well then stop using your fucking child like a weapon!!!

Krus, keeper of the dark knowledge of prams said...

The dark secret is that 9/10th of prams are empty. It's just that people have learned that you can piss people off and they won't do a damned thing about it because of the pram! Its like a force-field against retaliatory slappings, so people just push round empty prams to benefit from this.

Someone naughty, so not krus at all said...

Screaming kids? Just tell the parents you've got a present for the kid and then give the parents a good open handed slap across the face. Tell them that they should wait till they're home before giving it to little timmy.

the rantolotl said...

I get quite a lot of enjoyment from standing in crowded areas next to prams and simply lodging one of the wheels with a foot, so they can't go anywhere. By the time the parent gets all agitated and works out what it is - they [i]rarely[/i] apologise for running over your feet. In fact, they just tend to look very very angry.
Well, I say fuck 'em. They're the ones that turned it into a contact sport.

Joanne said...

Fuckin hate kids on the tube, particularly the ones around 10-ish who decide that, despite the fact that I'm attatched to a particularly appealing pair of breasts, I'm definitely a guy...

the rantolotl said...

heheh - funny - Krus often gets mistaken for a woman. But often by old drunks.

"Excuse me Miss, I think you dropped your change.... gah!!!"

Kit said...

Hey! I take offense to that.

the rantolotl said...

Well, someone had to!