Monday, May 29, 2006

Google intelligence

Take a look at the screenie below, and spot the... well, just look for something stupid. If you tell me 'the title', then I'll trust you to kick your own arse later.




Did you spot it?! Hmmmm?

Now - I'm not entirely sure what exactly a 'Copycat recipe' is, or where to get one, and checking out the link and going to Google Results didn't really enlighten me. So, I moved onto the 'goat cheese'. But first, I needed to do some soul searching.

Why goat cheese?
I searched rantolotl, and while I found plenty of references to cheese, I found absolutely no references to goat cheese, goats, or even goatse. Why did Google recommend Goat Cheese?! Why?! Is there something inherantly goaty about rantolotl? Am I goatist? Does reading rantolotl inspire cravings of specialised dairy goods? Is Google simply mocking my lactose intolerance? The only way to find out of course, would be to run with Google on the matter, and see exactly what my readers (Rantolotoids, for future reference) would be directed to if - for some inexplicable reason - they felt like eating goat cheese after reading Rantolotl. Here's a screenshot of the results.

Once again, I'm presented with many questions, all unanswered, and all equally confusing. What do crap & ineffective Australian search engines have to do with cheese? Is this search engine designed to seek only cheese? Why does Sensis have such a shit slogan? 'Tried looking in your own backyard?' Fuck no! I live in an apartment building! What're you trying to do, Sensis? Fucking kill me?! You fuck! But most importantly, what the fuck do goats have in common with 'Spectacular Wildlife', and even more importantly - who on earth would go to a website called naturalkillers.com.au and expect to find footage on goat cheese, goats, or even anything else reportedly on rantolotl (with the obvious exception of the Turkish wrestlers)? Probably the same people who access porn sites, then complain that they're not suitable for 10 year old christian school children.

But in all reality, the only possibly way a goat could end up on a 'Spectacular Wildlife' DVD is if it was being fed to a fucking lion - and really, that's not a very nice image to present a goat-lover with. It would be like taking a whale lover to a specialist Japanese restaurant. Or maybe like mailing a pot-roast to a vegan. Actually, I'm putting that on my to do list - right beneath the item marked 'Kippers through mail slots'.

Visiting the site only confirmed my thoughts - looking about, I found no goats, pet cats, sheep, cows, or even horses. Only sharks, lions and other animals that can eat all of the above, and probably more. The DVD's incidently, do cost only $9.99, and you get a bonus digital watch. But no goat. Fucking filthy liars.

As for Googles inaccuracies, I'm still totally fucking confused. The only explanation I'm left with is that Angry Pants Guy (who you slackers still haven't named) has been up to no good. Selling the web address here and there, willy fucking nilly to the highest bidder, with little regard to the content, nor the ethics. I mean really, you give a guy underpants, and he starts trying to send people pot-roasts in the mail. What a fucking ingrate.


10 comments:

Fandango Jones said...

From my understanding of things, obtuse as it is, 'Copycat recipes' are recipes crazy people can use to make their very own KFC fried chicken or Maccas burgers etc.
Why would you do this? I have no fucking clue. Why do people force cats to eat nothing but vegetables? Insanity I assume.

Kipper said...

Angry Angus McPants

Fandango Jones said...

Angus... that doesn't seem nearly as faux-dignified as it could be. Arch-Duke Pantsula? No... no, that's just silly.

Now, back to the Copycat Food stuff!
Example: Insider Recipes!

And now for something completely different... an inside joke! Bitch

Kipper said...

Angus is a perfectly dignified name used frequently by the Scottish nobility.

Why not try raunchy Northern European:
"Peer Van Der Pants"

Olde worlde decadence:
"Sir Roderick Pantsalot"

A German oversight:
"Heinrick Von Pantsenwurnten"

Embarassing revelations in Russia:
"Yuri Pantsaloff"

Fandango Jones said...

10 points for the germans!
Heinrick von Pantsenwurnten, with a B-grade action-movie quality german accent and frequent temtper tantrums, is the only way forward for our nameless mascot IMHO.

Perhaps we could furnish Kipper with a small crown?

the rantolotl said...

Well, I don't have a crown, but I do have 10,000 cool points. All for Kipper =)

Now all she has to do is record a b-grade german accent monologue for young Pantsenwurnten!

the rantolotl said...

Oh - and that's a hot dog!

Fandango Jones said...

YES!

There was also a cat version, but that wasn't anywhere near as funny...

Bozza said...

Why not Redman McUnderpants (sorry it was all I could think of). He just makes me think of what Captain Planet (who also wore red underpants) would look like, were he a number of kilos heavier!

Joe Berenguer said...

I was searching blogs,and I found yours.Please,
accept my congratulations for your excellent work!
If you have a moment, please visit my dvd recovery software site.
Have a good day!