Thursday, May 11, 2006

The return of the helper monkeys

Helper monkeys taking 'stock'. Counting computers, monitors and all other leased equipment. Occassionally even your ipod, too.

You know, I once worked on a 'helpdesk' that did this. I sat and watched as management routinely sent around some poor excuse for a helper monkey with a ipaq with a barcode scanner, with the sole mission of pissing off every person between the second and sixth floor. Some would call this assett managment. I don't. I've seen what they do with the records. I've seen the way they try and handle a spreadsheet so they can 'analyse' the data. here's a hint; data don't remain accurate if you cut and paste various columns and rows where you please. You'd end up with a more realistic summary if you collected the data, printed it off, nailed it to donkeys arse, and set it on fire (the donkey, not the documents). But none the less, they continue to do this.

I was in fact, just subjected to it. A monkey came to my desk with their scannermajig, and asked if he could 'zap' my computer. Assuming he actually meant 'scan the barcode', I obliged. He scans the PC on my desk, and then starts looking about beneath my desk. At this point, I can only assume that he really likes my shoes. Then, he climbs onto the floor, and looks about some more. Now, it's safe for you, the reader, to assume at this point that no; beneath my desk there is no black hole, nor any other time/space compression device that would prevent the naked eye from seeing large humming things resembling PC's. The monkey then turns and asks me; "Any others?" Yes. Yes there are. I keep 40 of them hidden at various points around the office, where I can admire them and keep them near. Sometimes I take them out on romantic dinners and weekend getaways. But shh! Don't tell my wife - she thinks I'm doing overtime.

For fucks sake! So, I sort of look at him, and he seems to make the correct decision in assuming my facial expression is telling him 'No. No others here. Fuckhead.' and goes about scanning the rest of the office. I can only assume that it was the dual monitor system I use that threw him off. But really, that just begs the question what sort of half arsed computer technician sees two monitors side by side, serviced by one keyboard, and one mouse, in a paperworky sort of office, and thinks to himself 'hmm! monitor = computer, therefore 2 monitors = 2 computers!' ?! Gah!!! Idiots!! Everywhere!!

I bet you could really entertain this guy at christmas by getting a dual monitor card and doing 'magic tricks' with it.

"Look - the image is on one monitor... and *click* now it's on two! Whoaaaaa!"

But really - I can only assume that by having these stupid asset tracks that some fucker in management is really just doing the whole "IT Expert" dominance thing over the rest of us - you know, reminding us that the equipment we use is actually theirs, and they retain the god given right to update, scan, or format it whenever the fuck they like, irrespective of our views on the issue. And that's all very well and good, because let's face it, it's the only joys these sad fuckers actually have in life - but there's a simple lesson they need to learn, and apply to their departments here - if you're going to constantly piss people off, you should make sure you send someone competent to do it.

Don't get me wrong though - I feel sorry for the poor bastard with the scanner. For the rest of the day, dickheads everywhere will be asking him to take a look at this, and to fix that, when really, the only thing he's actually been trained to do is point at a barcode and press the red button. It's the managers who appoint these stupid and frivilous tasks randomly, when they could actually be doing something useful - like having a functioning helpdesk that actually attempts to fix people's IT issues - that I have the problem with. I mean, really, what the hell do these fuckers do all day? Most of these managers barely know how to use a computer themselves - but lets not let that get in the way of their decision making prowess. To them, it's all about the customer service. I mean, they can go to a sandwich bar at lunchtime, and order a sandwich, and feel satisfied when they get their tasty lunchtime treat with a smile and a designer fucking napkin. But I think they've collectively missed the point - they actually get the fucking sandwich. You can smile and grin as much as you fucking like at someone with a broken computer, hell, you can even stuff it full of afore mentioned designer napkins, but it's not going to get any less broken.

The only thing I can suggest is that we start setting traps. Guerilla style. I mean, really, they can only lose so many of their staff before they start to work out that someone's after them. Maybe we can mail them bloodied, hacked network cables in the internal mail until they stop sending people down to annoy us, and start answering our phonecalls instead.

I'll go get the mormon trap. You get the beer.


Krus said...

"Thats a hot donkey!" Ahhh, inside jokes.

Jo said...

Sometimes I fear you.

Fandango Jones said...

Krus... you fucking fail at inside jokes.

If you wish to dispute this fact, come down on Saturday and prove me wrong in the only way a 'real man' can: SSBM!


the rantolotl said...

Actually, I thought that was a pretty good inside joke.

Fandango Jones said...

Yes... I was taking the piss... hence the little emote at the end there.

the rantolotl said...

I take it someone's not had their morning coffee yet...

Fandango Jones said...

I still haven't had my coffee =(