Monday, May 15, 2006

McDiary a go-go

I have a dream. A dream of adventure, intrigue, and high seas. And crap hamburgers.

Ever since my first overseas trip, I've made it my mission to experience McDonalds in as many different locations as possible. Like atop a goat, in a boat on a moat, or however the fuck that goes. Anyhow - It's progressing fairly well now. I've got a decent handful of countries/cities McD's has been experienced in to add to my list, and in an upcoming trip to the Northern Hemisphere (Yeah, yeah, you think you're so fucking fancy with your stinkin' northern lights, don't you?), I plan to further my McDiary, and see what the delights of Japan & the Czech Republic have to offer. I can only assume that Czech McDonalds offers some sort of Neo Nazi burger or something. Maybe it's served in red laced docs or something. Annnnyway.

So - in preparation for this trip, I decided to check out a few McDonalds facts to get me prepared. Wikipedia, as usual is an excellent source of totally fucking useless knowledge;

Did you know:

In Kowloon Park, there is also a small counter named Snack Station selling ice cream, as well as a counter that sells McDonald's drinks in the swimming pool.

Sälen in Sweden opened the first ski-through McDonald's in the world.

In Switzerland, you can fly on the "McPlane," Switzerland's Crossair Airline's entirely McDonald's-themed plane

That you can click here to visit the forum for disgruntled McDonalds workers worldwide

In McDonalds stores in Spain, chilled gazpacho is served in sealed plastic cups.

In Greece, a favorite local sandwich is the Greek Mac, consisting of two burger patties wrapped in a pita with yogurt sauce, tomato slices, iceberg lettuce and onions.

In Canadian drug use slang, "pants" can sometimes be a codeword for heroin.


I'm already planning my future travels to Sweden to experience the delights of a ski-through happy meal. I can picture it now;

Step 1) Learn how to ski
Step 2) Try to not look retarded as I attempt to 'glide' through the ski-thru while simultaneously searching for change in my ski-pockets (in my ski-jeans, worn with my ski-belt, and ski-rocket pack)
Step 3) Work out where the fuck I'm going to eat my meal, now that I'm skiing about in a paddock full of fucking snow.

I think I really must be missing something about the sensibilities of this - does the food come in disposable, yet padded thermal bags? If not, then do the Swedish actually enjoy cold and somewhat damp food? What is the freezing point of coke, anyway?I think all those meatballs have addled their snow-filled brains.

But back to more pressing matters - I've marked down some highlights for my Czech/Japan tour - The McToast; which sounds like a fairly normal cheese & ham toastie, but mcdonaldsafied... basically, pretend you bought a cheeseburger and took it home. Now, pretend you've taken out the meat pattie, and fed it to your cat or stuck it to the roof or something. Now, pretend you put the burger buns back onto the burger upsidedown. Now pretend you've put it in a griller for a few minutes. THAT'S what the McToast looks like... You know, McDonalds makes toasties here, but they just use ordinary bread. But to be fair, it doesn't look nearly as ornate. Mmm! Czech-a-licious!

They also have McBeer; When in eastern y'urp, what do you do to while away the minutes waiting for your pickle-race to finish? You drink cup after cup of motherfuckin' Pilsner Urquell! Beer + Fast food = winning combination! This is really fanstastic! I mean, Pilsner Urquell is really quite a good beer - if this is what they serve in Maccas, then I'm really looking forward to what I'll be served at a decent cafe.

Japan offers us the McShogun, which appears to be a teriyaki-chicken burger - and immensley popular with the locals. I think it should come with a little sword stabbed through the middle, for authenticities sake.


Anyhow - for your enjoyment (don't ever say I don't care about you), here's the McDiary thus far:


Location: Somewhere in Indonesia
McMeal: McRice! You order it, and you get a little package about the same shape & weight of a cheeseburger. Open it up, and valla, a rice pattie! BAM! This joint also seemed to sell far more fried chicken, ala KFC, than burgers.
Wine Match: To be fair, there's one drink that goes with every meal served in Indo, and that drink is Bintang. Pour it into a white wine glass to complete the experience.
Rating: C+


Location:
McDonalds Changi Airport, Singapore
McMeal: McDouble Spicy! This is the most awesome of Maccas' burgers I've eaten. Two fucking huge pieces of chicken, liberally coated with chilli, deep fried, and unapologetically shoved into a regular sized bun. It looks ridiculous, something akin to a bucket of KFC between two slices of bread, but it's fucking fantastic!
Wine Match: A nice fruity bucket of Sangria will complement the tastes of this burger, and help to put out the chilli fire.
Rating: A+


Location: McDonalds on Broadway, NY, USA
McMeal: McFoul - I still don't know what the fuck I got on this occasion, but did it make me ill? Yes it did! I ordered a vegie burger, but I got something that tasted more akin to a semi-sun dried dead owl.
Wine Match: Mad train wine (Hobo brand)
Rating: F


Location: Mozart McDonalds - Vienna, Austria
McMeal: I can't even remember what I ate, but what I do remember is arguing with the staff - as I did in every other location visited in the rest of this fucking city, hoping to find the one person in Vienna who might fucking well speak English. Like every other meal in Austria, the contents were much of a surprise to me. What was excellent however, was the ability to watch hundreds of grown men and women dressed as Mozart wandering about the streets whilst eating my meal. And no, I'm really not joking. Austria = strange place.
Wine Match: Something that is sold by the litre.
Rating: B+


Location: McDonalds - Stratford, UK
McMeal: This was a truly delectable burger, and at 99p, who could possibly complain? As with all previous international McDonalds ordering experiences (except for Singapore, funnily enough), it took a good three hours for the shittily paid staff to work out what the fuck I was saying through my accent. I'd like to say they got it in the end, but I don't think they did; The order they eventually gave me was a full burger/fries/coke deal - but hey, I only paid 99p, so who cares. Maybe they were still trying to work out why the fuck someone who didn't speak 'yob' was in Stratford. After wading through a hoard of abandoned bmx's in the foyer, I returned to the warmth of my accommodation to enjoy said meal.
Wine Match: A nice $30 French Bordeaux, served with a straw.
Rating: B


Location: McDonalds - Auckland, NZ
McMeal: The McKiwi (without egg). No shit, this thing was actually called the McKiwi - which frankly, was more than a little misleading. I asked the server if there was actually any kiwi in it, and he just sort of cocked his head to the side, as if trying to understand my 'words'. I gave up, and started to inspect my burger - to which I found it was EXACTLY THE SAME AS A McOZ! The lying cheating fucking scumbags! Ripping Australia off again! First the Pavlova, now the McOz! Well, you're fucking welcome to it, they both taste like shit. Take Russell Crowe back while you're at it, scum.
Wine Match: Why not try a good NZ Cabernet Sauvignon? It's a cultural rip-off too, so it should fit the McKiwi quite well.
Rating: F for Fucking scumbags


Cunts.

8 comments:

Fandango Jones said...

The McKiwi has no Kiwi in it? That has to be the most flagrant false advertising I've ever seen!
Shame New Zealand. Shame!

the rantolotl said...

I still love that their airforce logo features a flightless bird in the middle of what appears to be a target...

Krus, formerly of Kiwi said...

The McKiwi had been around for years before the McOz turned up. Australia is the rip-off merchant!

the rantolotl said...

You're a very sad, little man.

Krus said...

Fuck you. And at least New Zealand has a bird. Australia has a kangaroo! It's not even a bird at all! INSANITY!

Jo said...

Surprised Stratford had trouble with your accent, it's full of tourists. Here's a Mickey D's experience: Oxford street, London, I lifted my double Q.P. out of the carton, turned it sideways, and the grease running out of it filled the carton until it was in danger of overflowing!!

By the way, the Yob dialect is now known as Chav, an abbreviation of Council Housed And Violent.

the rantolotl said...

ah, how delightful!

Now - why the hell would any tourist visit stratford?

Joanne said...

Shakespeare mostly. I think maybe they're under the impression that if you look hard enough you'll spot him pottering about.