Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Sordid filth!

Today, on my merry way to work I saw one of the oddest things... Were you to walk through Melbourne Central at about 9 today, you would've been in for a treat; or at least, that's what the guy who started jerking off in front of a large group of primary school children thought...

Yep, that's right! A bunch of schoolkids, probably about 7-8 years old, were happily taking photos of that fucking stupid clock doing it's thing, when some dodgy old guy comes out from behind the clock and starts singing something rather hymn-like (often mentioning Jesus in said song), performing for the children in tandem with the clock - with one hand deep in trouser pocket, working away furiously (much to his obvious enjoyment). The kids continued to take their photos of the clock, completely oblivious to the situation at hand. I think it's safe to say that this incident will hamper their future attempts to learn roman numerals...

Can you imagine what's going to happen when these kids' parents get these films developed?

"Oh look, Billy, here's a nice one of you and Sally in front of the State Library. Oh, and here's one of you eating lunch at that big McDonalds. Oh, and you saw the clock at Melbourne Central! ... hang on ... What's this?! Excuse me billy, I need to make a phonecall..."

I feel so fucking sorry for the teacher in charge - she's either going to have to explain this to the kids' parents in advance and watch them seriously overreact to something their kids were totally oblivious to, or start recieving the photos in the mail accompanied by death threats and beaten-to-death-bunnies a couple of weeks later. Can't say I'd want to be in her shoes.

But really, it was inevitbale. I've noticed that Melbourne Central is slowly but steadily becoming dodgier & dodgier. Sure, it's no Flinders St Station yet, but still, the decline is there. First there were the fucked up CEC members handing out their filth, then there was the clock incident, but now, there's further evidence - a letter I found in the precinct last night (which I've taken the liberty of typing out word for word); a sordid tale of betrayal! BETRAYAL!

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Subject: Hi
Date: Mon, 01 May 2006 13:55:03 +1000 (EST)
From: Cam Stewart

Hi Mel,

How are you?

Myself, I'm not so great at the moment. You see in getting in contact with you again I have to explain a couple of things that I did not want to talk about on the evening that we met. I am currently in a relationship with a really nice girl. The problem for me at the moment is that we have been having some problems for awhile. One of the main ones is that we have hardly been intimate with each other for quite a few months. This is a problem that has been building within me for some time and when I met you last week I just did the wrong thing and pursued my own desires without thought about my girlfriend. Unfortunately I am now paying for it with guilt.

I cannot help but to have really enjoyed the evening that we shared together, (i guess I have yearned for that type of intimacy for some time), however in the light of day I know it was the wrong thing for me to do.

At the present I am still trying to sort out a really rough patch with my girlfriend, and it would be wrong for me to be dishonest with you.

I have kept our secret and to prevent causing any hurt to my current partner it would help me to know that you, our night can remain just between the two of us?

You are such a nice girl, and I am just trying to do the right thing from this point.

I hope you can understand.



Subject: Hi
Date: Mon, 01 May 2006 14:56:03 +1000 (EST)
To: cam stewart

Hi Cameron,

Wow, you really are a jerk. Unfortunately being honest with me now does not and never will absolve you of the fact you cheated on your girlfriend.

I wonder what your girlfriend would say if she knew that after the Anzac day football match your took me to the Sofitel for the night. I honestly hope she finds out what you're all about. Perhaps if you took HER to the Sofitel you might find that the intimacy in your relationship improves.

You see Cam our night at the Sofitel cost you about $350 but the price you really paid is the guilt you're now feeling and the regret at making a big mistake.

I am thrilled to hear you are "just trying to do the right thing from this point" perhaps the right thing to do would have been to remember you had a girlfriend.

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BAM!

Take that Cameron! I think my favorite line is this one; "The problem for me at the moment is that we have been having some problems for awhile. " Yeah, Cam, buddy - I think I see where the problem is... you keep accidentally putting your dick in places your girlfriend wouldn't approve of.

You see? Melbourne Central = sharp moral decline! Never again will it be the makings of school excursions with afternoon tea, kittens & rainbows. It can remain only as a host to the sordid tales of the bottom feeding scum of the earth - Cam, and of course peadophilia-man. And those fucking terrible stale chips that kebab shop sells. They really make me angry.

I don't think there's a lot more I can even say about this - except if you're going to cheat on someone, then write letters about it; don't. It's a stupid idea. Clearly this exchange found its way to a printer, and eventually into my devious hands. Hey Cam, you know what can't find its way to a printer? A phone call, dickhead.

7 comments:

CJ said...

Its all true - well the bit about the letter at least...I'm an eyewitness...And Cam Stewart, if you ever read this there's a lot of us who'd like to punch you in the face.

Jo said...

Guys wanking at kids... Why oh why is the world full of lunatics?? Seriously, there's shelves full of porn featuring consenting adults. Right enough said adults are 2 days out of school and 3 days out of nappies, but still...

Kipper said...

Poor Cameron Stewart of Melbourne. The next time he googles his name... God that will be funny!

The very same Anonymous said...

Best Rantolotl since the first sighting of the best mspaint creation ever.

the rantolotl said...

Excellent! Finally, someone who appreciates my refined MSPaint skills!

Bozza said...

I'm still trying to determine what is more painfull, starring at that Seiko clock or watching an old man masturbate. It's an impossible choice!

Oh and to the very same anonymous, I love the MS Paint creation with the various forms of the Brit Toff in the pit helmut, especially the 'Fire' one!

Fandango Jones said...

That Toff collage caused the corpse of Andy Warhol to rise and seek out a Pith hat.