Friday, May 05, 2006

The little weapon that could...

In these days of military conflict, well, fucking everywhere, I think there's an aspect to military warfare that's been forgotten over the years. Sneakiness. In these days of fuckheads running the world and yelling loudly and obnoxiously about their accomplishments (real or imagined) to anyone who might be incapacitated enough to not get away in time, the fine art of sneakiness, or as some call it, the element of surprise has lain dormant, silently sitting in the dark like a discarded toy, wanting nothing more than to be loved. Yeah, like Superted. Well now it's time to turn the tide and start fighting smart. I hereby introduce to you, the saviour of underdogs everywhere; the twist in this ongoing saga of world domination; the ultimate weapon of surprise; The humble cupcake.

The ultimate in guerilla technology, the militarily trained cupcake and its bearers possess limitless possibilities in defeating their enemies, and icing them too. The resistance in Iraq having problems with all that pesky bombing, torture & killing? The solution is simple; send poisoned cupcakes to the enemy (added irony tip #1: Frost them with the US flag). Want a more visual solution? Something where you can be sure the job is done properly? Lead a trail of cupcakes to a trap. You know - a bank of snipers, landmines, maybe a covered pit filled with spikes & tigers, or why not try the age old gang-of-resistance-fighters-in-waiting with big heavy sticks (added irony tip # 2: Why not try out baseball bats to add insult to injury? Fill your long range weaponry with signed baseballs? For Australian troops, substitute baseballs & baseball bats with the cricket version)?

The many uses of cupcakes in war:
- Fatten up opposition troops
- Befriend opposition troops
- Take compromising photos of opposition troops with cupcakes
- Opportunities for tea parties
- Poison opposition troops (laxatives might be of good use in this tactic)


The best thing about this is that when the US petitions the UN to tell you your fighting force is naughty for trying to fight back, they're going to have a hard time justifying criminalisaing baked goods. Although, at least this time when they claim an Iraqi bakery is sheltering WMD's, they won't be quite as wrong.

As is the rantolotl way, I think we need to test this theory. I've taken the liberty of buying a dozen cupcakes, and I'm rigging them up as we speak (it's creating quite a mess on my desk, let me assure you). Little tasty treats of death & nastiness! Excellent! It kind of reminds me of an old housemate who mistakingly ate a large chunk of green cake. Actually, there's another great idea! Drug laced cupcakes! Meth-cakes to really get your side going full speed! GHB-cakes to really knock your enemy out! *don't call them date-rape-cakes, don't call them date-rape-cakes*.

Damn!
Well, what's wrong with courting the enemy, anyway?!


Anyway to get slightly back onto point, Krus, you might need some camo gear soon.







Got a suggestion on how to bait these babies? Hit the comments, and the winner of best suggestion which is actively tested on my 'subjects' - excuse me, I have to laugh evily now - will win a hundred thousand rantolotl cool-points (redeemable when we get the merch up). Don't forget all previous comps are still open, because you all suck.

I'm also looking for a name for "Angry pants guy".

Da Rantolotl.

14 comments:

Fandango Jones said...

Disecting cupcakes does not make one a Doctor, no matter how many lab-coats you steal.

the rantolotl said...

LIES!

rantinan said...

the best thing to use to adulterate cupcakes is actyualy lots of loverly, tasteless corn starch. Screw laxitives, lets make our opponets so constipated that they EXPLODE from internal pressure.

Kipper said...

who was it that at the green cake? baby jesus? oh hang on...it was Kevin wasn't it. It has to be...

Kipper said...

ice the cupcakes with attractive bubble bath crystals.

Jo said...

A classic, the good old deadfall trap. This trap relies primarily on the stupidity of the prey - therefore thousands of U.S. infantry will die. Scroll down a wee bit. http://www.revolutionboard.org.uk/cgi-bin/ikonboard.pl?s=5a43e66d69c4f20c13e12aa749cfa723;act=ST;f=30;t=1606;st=45;r=1;&#entry42861

Jo said...

Dammit! URL wasn't clickable! Someone help...

Jo said...

This should work http://www.deviantart.com/view/32841110/

Bozza said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bozza said...

I can't help but think that the Angry Pants Guy and the Old Wanking Man at Melbourne Central Station, from the previous blog entry, are some how related, perhaps even the same person.

And NO, I don't expect you to attempt to draw the Old Wanking Man with MS Paint.

the rantolotl said...

hahah - no, very very different people. Angry Pants Man has a heart of gold.

Fandango Jones said...

...which he stole from a Hooker.

I mean, look at him! He's the little Evil Mastermind that couldn't. He's like Wile.E.Coyote to the Entire World's Roadrunner; the kind of guy who'd tie you to the train-tracks but fumble the knot.
He is the continuing unwitting fallguy slash arch-nemsis of Rantolotl.

Fandango Jones said...

Oh, and Jo (or anyone else):
For future linkage needs you can use basic HTML while posting. So, to make a clickable link you use < a href="website">clickable text< /a> but remove the spaces after each <

Anonymous said...

Just give them kfc instead, it already contains ghb