Friday, June 02, 2006

Cat pud pudding

First, there was cooking for cats.

Now, there is cooking with cats. Check this out:

So, have you wandered out of your building during your lunch break and found yourself asking: 'Do I want a burger for lunch, or do I want to buy a cat? Also, maybe it's time for me to invest in a new stuffed toy. Now what do I do?!' If so, then this baby is for you! That's right, it's a motherfucking kitty-burger! This thing is fucking awesome! All those bits there? They velcro together to make the plush-cat-burger of your choice. Don't like lettuce? Leave it out! Fuck, dye it yellow and pretend it's another slice of cheese for all I care! The choice is yours! Personally, I love how the buns are shaped like a cats head, to really bring home the point. But the greatest thing? If you look carefully, you'll see the cat-pattie has a tail! A tail, for christs sake!!! This delivers far more than your average burger, or stuffed toy! Fantastic!!

Still, you gotta worry about the precedent this sets kids... I mean, don't get me wrong, this toy is awesome, but can you imagine the outcomes of giving small children household animal toys in the form of food? Next thing you know, BAM! You come home to find little Timmy wandering about wearing a lobster bib, carrying a knife and fork and licking his lips. Just as you're silently thinking 'What the fuck?! Why did I have children again? Fucking freak child...', you see a furry tail sticking out of the slow cooker - and you don't even have a cat! Time for another diplomatic call to the neighbours, maybe.

And don't think for even a minute that this couldn't happen, either. Christ, even children over the age of ten aren't safe. My partner's a high school teacher, and the assignments she brings home from kids - well, even at the ripe age of thirteen they're still totally off the planet. Just the other day she bought home a batch of Geography tests from a year 7 task. You remember Geography/Humanities from Year 7, right? It was all colouring in maps and listening to hippies. It's a bit like spending ten weeks as a Greens member - logging this, global warming that, I need some more crayons, etc etc. Annnyway, some of these assignments were comedy gold. My favorite on was where some child explained that the key environmental consequence of volcanoes, is that the ground shakes, and it pushes tree roots out of the ground. That's right, the key concern of having a volcano in your backyard is that your apple tree, which your grandparents planted when they won a pie baking contest or some such sentimental bullshit, will topple over. Kerplunk. Personally, I'd be more concerned about the people scorching lava & the poisonous clouds of sulpherous gasses generally associated with volcanos, but hey, I'm just a support monkey. Maybe someone should inform the residents of Yogyakarta - sure, they'll lose a few trees, but they'll be happy to know that they're not all going to die.

There were a few other pearls, of course. These kids had an open book test - this meant that they not only had their textbook to assist them in the 8 question test, but they also had an atlas. You'd think it'd be fairly straightforward then, yeah? No. About a third of the class actually failed it, even though every answer was right there in the book. Tards. The evening was just filled with conversations like this (and lots of wine, of course);

rantolotl: Dear! Hey, did you know the capital of China is actually Islamabad?
VG: Oh good grief.
rantolotl: And look! This explanation of global warming has been demonstrated through this beautiful diagram!! See? It's all clear! Geographers don't like cars in China!!
VG: What?!
rantolotl: Yeah, check it out - see, here's the Geographer, and here he is being angry with this car. Now, according to this lovely heading, it's in China.
VG: How on earth can I mark this?
rantolotl: Maybe using not so subtle comments?
VG: (audible sigh) They tried so hard, too.
rantolotl: How the hell can they be so fucking stupid? Oh! Look, here's a picture of a kangaroo stuck to a tree! Now - which environmental issue was that again?

It was scary the amount of kids that thought Baghdad was the capital of Turkey and so on. I mean, they had a fucking map! It can't get any easier than that! I think it's fairly easy to see what damage giving any one of these kids a kitty-burger would be. Although they might not stick a cat in a slow cooker at this age, the logic some of them used on this test would suggest that they'd probably make some bizarre mental connection that allowed them to tie cats to their feet to use as slippers. Or maybe to glue them together to make a comfy toboggan. Either way, it's not likely to be so good for the cats involved.


Fandango Jones said...

'Kitty-burger' eh? That's right up there with the 'Growler-burger' on the list of obviously-suggestive-food-names.

On the geography front, well... yeah, those kids sound about ready for a career in Hotel Heiress-ism. But really, who cares about Geography? I was given a detention for spending a period drawing a gerbil getting sucked into a vaccum-cleaner instead of working. In my defense, that was the funniest drawing ever.

the rantolotl said...

Ah, your gerbil phase. I remember it well.

Still, that's a crap thing to get a detention for - but it will never, ever top my suspension for using a white out pen during a test.

Fandango Jones said...

I bet that teacher still bears the scars, and likely a morbid fear of white-out...

the rantolotl said...

No, but I did get some paint marker on the back of a jacket she was wearing in a later class.

I am soooo hardcore.

Krus, King of No-pantsistan said...

I don't trust any atlas. They don't list no-pantsistan anywhere! LIES!

Kipper said...

Often when parents talk about why they like children they euphemise by telling you "oh, children make you laugh sometimes, they say the darndest things etc.". They're basically saying they bred a couple of tards just so they could point and laugh at them all day.

i honestly don't see what enjoyment one can get out of children apart from their usefulness as objects of ridicule.

Fandango Jones said...

But you can toy with their minds and cripple them emotionally!
Well, I suppose that's only rewarding when you're doing it to other peoples spawn; you know, so you don't have to clean up the mess.

I suppose you could set-up a miniature fight Club affair? Alcohol, gambling, anf bloodied up kiddies!


Joanne said...

Cat burger eh? I guess it makes a change from kitty chow mein.

I got you beat for school mischief though - when I was 14 I mixed Iron, Aluminium, Carbon, and a few other things that I won't list here. The result was something that burned hot enough to melt steel and cut a nice neat round hole straight through the desk and into the floor, and mind you this was a heavy oaken desk, not some chipboard shit from an office supplier.

A months detention, threatened with expulsion and warned that if I did anything like that again I'd be reported to the bomb squad. Thankfully they didn't have every man and his dog listed as a terrorist in those days...

Fandango Jones said...

More odd catty things.