Thursday, June 22, 2006

God made me do it.

Well, in the last few weeks I've managed to offend a lot of religions in one form or another. But I had a niggling feeling that I'd missed someone... something... something important... and then, as a man in the street handed me a little blue book, it came to me! What I had been missing all this time, was in fact our favorite happy clappies - the evangelists!



The booklet (above) the hairy little evangelist had passed to me (which Fandango had the dubious benefit of receiving earlier in the evening) was a little book of comedy gold, entitled "The Atheist Test". As you can see, on the cover is a building with four columns, and from behind three of these columns , an item appears. Item #1 is a coke can, item #2 - if my eyes don't deceive me - is Albert Einstein, and item #3 is a banana. What could all of these items possibly have to do with either Atheism or even Evangelicals? Seemingly, and in all rational and sane probability, absolutely nothing. But that just goes to show how unenlightened I am. Let me explain, with the help of my friend, the coke can (as appears on the inside cover)



BANG! I've just been shot with logic! Coke can logic, that is! You see, the theory is that God must exist, because just like the coke can had a designer, so too must the world. Take that, theory of evolution! What are you going to claim next, atheists? That the coke can evolved from some form of workable metal? In a factory? With workers? That innovation and design are an everyday part of modern culture in the manufacturing of consumer goods? Hah!
Evangelists 1, Atheists 0. Go, go, Buffalo!

Now, onto our next point, which can be explained with the use of the ever-useful, humble orange...

See those oranges? See how nice an neat they are? Well, they are in fact in ten rows of five oranges! What're the chances of that happening? 'Mind boggling!' according to my handy little test here! Therefore, they must've been guided by an invisible hand... the invisible hand and the intelligent mind of God, that is! BAM! Take that, Atheists!

Now, onto their final, and irrefutable proof that they're completely fucking mental. Ah! I mean, that they're right, of course. Yes... it's more fruit, and this time, it's the game-winning banana!
Ta daaah! Bask in that warm glow of righteousness, bitch!

Now - I couldn't explain this better than the evangelicals themselves - so here is the accompanying text as it appears in the booklet, word for word. I swear, I could not make this shit up.

Note that the banana:

  1. Is shaped for human hand
  2. Has non-slip surface
  3. Has outward indicators of inward content:
    Green-too early,
    Yellow-just right,
    Black-too late.
  4. Has a tab for removal of wrapper
  5. Is perforated on wrapper
  6. Bio-degradable wrapper
  7. Is shaped for human mouth
  8. Has a point at top for ease of entry
  9. Is pleasing to taste buds
  10. Is curved towards the face to make eating process easy

To say that the banana happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can.


So... I can't really help but feel that by 'banana', they actually mean 'banana'... or maybe something along the lines of this...

Seriously?! What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, the Coke can bit was stupid... but the oranges were totally illogical. For starters, I've never seen fifty oranges just sitting somewhere as demonstrated in their ridiculous test. If I did, I'd be inclined to agree, that yes, an intelligent mind did put them there... the intelligent mind of some human that had a lot of oranges, and a lot of time on their hands. Fuck, maybe even a monkey for christs sake.

But the real crowning glory... the banana. I mean, either they're totally retarded, or there some odd sort of homoerotic undertones going on there. I mean, "Has a tip at point for ease of entry"? C'monnnnn! My favorite bit is point 1 "Is shaped for human hand"... now... lets test this theory out. Pick up your mouse. Yes, right now. Do it.

OH MY GOD!!! IT FITS IN YOUR HAND! IT'S SHAPED FOR THE HUMAN HAND!!! FUCK ME, GOD DOES EXIST! IT'S ALL SO CLEAR NOW!

Fucking idiots. But if that wasn't enough lunacy for one day, Kipper located an association of lunatic Atheists from one of those handy dandy google links at the top of this page... most of their theory involves a rabbit. You know why? Because of this book. How are there so many people out there who are this mentally unstable?! If there every needed to be further proof that the mental health system is under-resourced, all of these people are it.


8 comments:

Fandango Jones said...

That is by and far the funniest religious advertising that I've ever had the go(o)d fortune to be handed. I'd still have that little booklet too, if Krus (the incapable of handling beer) hadn't used it to soak up all the beer he was too inept to keep in his glass.
I will not forget!

I think we should start a religion (for the tax writeoffs) that preaches against the evils of spilling beer. All new initiates would be taken to the pub and forced to by round after round. At the end of the night, if after pouring and drinking numerous beers without spillage, they would become members.

Kipper said...

Great. Australian schoolchildren will be fed on a steady diet of coke, oranges and bananas by these new state-funded school chaplains.
As if brain-numbing religious doctrine wasn't enough!

Krus said...

God designed that booklet to be absorb beer. I used it to absorb beer. So god exists. QED. And so forth. The bible exists, which means it had a writer, which means GOD! THE PROOF IS INDISPUTABLE!

See, believe in god and you don't have to think. It's just that easy. B'duhhhhh.

Krus said...

God designed me to spill beer. I can't hold my beer. So god exists. QED. And so forth. The bible exists, which means it had a writer, which means GOD! THE PROOF IS INDISPUTABLE!

See, believe in god and I don't have to think. It's just that easy. B'duhhhhh.

Fandango Jones said...

Well sure, if you say so Sir sulk-a-lot. I was going to dispute it, but seeing as you did it yourself and all...

krus said...

No! I am here right now talking on God's behalf! Ergo I'm a spastic fucker!

SEE?!

I'm here right now but from this point onwards I'll be doubting my own sincerity! It as all the fault of Tequila!

Fandango Jones said...

Hey, sure... why not?
Doubt yourself backwards for all I care! But at least try not to act like a damned lunchbox sniffing, fecal foisting, carmel curling cunt!

Rantinan said...

Hail eris and pass the amunition.