Friday, June 16, 2006

Build a house of steak and send it to me.

You know who really pisses me off? The elderly.

I mean, they're so fucking busy complaining about the youth of today and the general decline of standards since their day, that they seem to forget one important element - that they are being so fucking rude and arrogant that no one would want to help them do anything besides assist suicide.

It's just bizzarre. They're all bitter and twisted because they got treated like shit when they were kids, and figured they'd be on the giving end later in life. Unfortunately, we're under a Howard government and it doesn't work like that anymore. Now we all get treated like shit. Get used to it and stop blaming video games and pokemon. I understand that you're a walking heap of decomposition, and that yes, you probably do need a seat on public transport - but when you attempt to raise this point by throwing a full scale tanty, you'll find that I'm a little reluctant to give you anything other than a swift punch in the face.

Last week I'm doing the tram thing and pleasantly sitting on a seat reading a book. This is all pre-coffee, so I'm significantly less than attentive. This old biddy gets on the tram, and desides she's deserving of a seat - I completely miss all of this because, as I said, I'm pre-coffee and engrossed in a book. So, instead of asking the people taking up two seats to move over, or even simply politely asking me to move so that she could sit down, she threw her groceries at me. It was the definitive WTF?! moment. And it worked, too - before I could work out what the hell was going on, at least six people had got up and offered her their seat. They probably didn't want cans of cat food thrown at them. I felt like raising a rebellion right then and there against the elderly, but instead I sat there, with her groceries lain at my feet until she left the fucking tram. Demoralising fucks.

And christ! The conversations they have!! First, it's all about Mavis and her treachery in the church bingo competition. 'Ohhh, she's getting very close to that lovely vicar. I think he should watch that one.' Then, it's all 'Asians are horrid and must be shot' or something because: 'everytime I see one, they're in poverty. They're bludging off our welfare! They're all crooks!'. Next week though, you'll see the same old bag, carrying on again... 'They're taking all our jobs! Have you seen the cars those Asians drive? They're not cheap! I bet it's all drug money. It's not fair! Baaaaarley sugar!'. *Sigh* So - one minute they're a blight on our good land, the next day they're too successful. But it can't be from work, it's of course a result of their criminal ways. Call me mad, but I suspect Asians and other ethnic groups are simply subject to the same class systems that we good old anglos are. But I guess that's the sort of opinion you can expect out of a pinko commie. 'That's right! How's your dinner? Not Russian enough for you? We should've shipped you back to Stalin when we still had the chance!' Yes. Indeed.

The other particularly annoying ones are the old buggers that get around with shopping jeeps. They ram and run people over, and they just so fucking rude about everything! People would be far more inclined to help them out if they didn't demand it and get all fucking cranky. Oh - and those ones with walking sticks! Gah!! These bastards who actually step on you with their fucking sticks - like that's not intentional. I'd like to take this time to point out that if this was 50 years ago, they would be fucking dead already. It's my taxes that make their life-extending medical coverage possible. No - no, no need to thank me, you can just throw another bag of fucking carrots at me, bitch.

They try to look all weak and feeble and pathetic, but really, they're the most outwardly and unnecessarily violent of all demographics. Don't believe me? You haven't been to the Vic market lately, have you? If you don't profer up your place in line to the elderly person behind you, you can expect to be whacked with some sort of cured sausage - but if you do give way to them, there'll be at least a thousand more standing around waiting to make your life hell. And all you were trying to do was get yourself some fucking lunch. And that's another thing - if anyone should be considerate in these situations, it should be them - WE have to get back to work and be all productive. Them, all they have to do is finish their fucking rally-style shopping and get home for their precious scones and tea. Real fucking important.

Worse still is that they can vote. An enormous army of sensationalist current affairs watching, sherry swilling, 3AW listening, dripping eating, war-era nationalists. Sheesh! No wonder Howard still manages to get voted in. Maybe it's all to do with solidarity of overgrown eyebrows. I mean, I don't know a single person who will admit to voting for him, but when you look at this grey army toddling about whining & carping about how unfair it is that kids of today don't get the strap, it's not exactly difficult to see where his support does come from.

But of course, not all elderly suck - there's quite a few good ones about too, but they're usually the ones that tease their fellow octogenerians, or at least know how to say 'thankyou' without being condescending. I think we should work with these people to set large and elaborate traps for the cranky bastards that take offense at life not being all kittens and fucking rainbows. I mean, seriously? What the hell is their problem? Nothing a well-camoflaged pit trap couldn't solve, I'll bet.


John said...

Old people drivers are the worst, especially in the backstreets. Just fly around corners and don't look.

Be extra careful on Pension day

Julien said...

C'est comme les vieux qui vont faire leurs courses le samedi matin alors qu'ils ont toute la semaine pour les faire et qui n'avance pas dans les rayons... bref qui emmerde le monde.

Kipper said...

julien says:

"just like the elderly who insisit on doing their shopping on saturday mornings despite the fact that they have the entire week to do it, and clog up the supermarket aisles getting in everyone's way...
basically in order to piss everyone off"

Fandango Jones said...

Julien is right, of course... just a little hard to interpret for the linguistically challenged among us.
Also the drunk.

I propose we booby-trap all the pokies machines in Victoria. Grandmother puts in coin, recieves hot electric death.
Newsa t Eleven.

Krus said...

The easy solution? Eat the elderly! They would be just like beef jerky. And you don't even have to build traps to catch them, just push them over when they're getting out of trams or walking down stairs. Remember, if it sounds like a bag of walnuts being broken with a sledge, then they're tenderised and ready for cookin.

Bozza said...

ROTFL - All hail Krustopher's comment, why get mutton from an elderly cow! Some elderly humans are more deserving!

On a more Serious note about old people voting. The Coalition's strongest voter support is from the elderly, thankfully I know some elderly people who know a lot better (My athiest Grandfather and his fellow campaigners on the Death With Dignity group).

There should be some reforms to voting system, which would not discriminate against the elderly, but eliminate discrimination from both then and the youth.

The answer is to drop compulsory voting for anyone above the age of 65 and introduce optional voting for anyone of 15 up to and including 17 (after all people that young can still work).

This isn't simply a matter of no longer forcing the Coalition's strongest voting support base to vote, but is actually doing this age group a favour.

My Mum works in a pharmacy, days leading up to polling days she has elderly customers come in and say I don't have to vote now, do I luv? I'm old surely I don't have to vote luv she actually told me that cumpulsory voting actually stresses them, so it would be doing them a big favour, but not discrimating.

After all a 120-year-old could still vote if he/she wanted to, they just wouldn't have to.

I will make an additional political attack on the elderly, they seem to be the biggest support base in the anti-choice movement (Just think back to some of the rallies, Rantolotl and I chasing that old man down the footpath outside Trinity college after he yelled out "murderer" at us all).

Or the old codger talking to that Policewoman outside the endeavor forum. Presumably he was saying You shouldn't be in the police force luv, you should be cooking in the kitchen and popping out babies luv.

It's easy for these oldies who need viagra to to get sexual pleasures with their spouse who has already well and truly reached menopause to force their biblical shit on the generation which unlike them, is still capable of reproducing.

Whilst not all anti-choicers are elderly (as we have noticed in horror) it seems their biggest support based is those elderly people that don't like people of our age doing things differently to what they did at our age and doing things differently to what they would like us to do.

It seems that there twisted view of a blob of cells and tissue being a "precious infant" almost seems like and excuse of theirs to justify forcing their old fashioned ways on our generation. Keep them in their Kerosene baths and away from abortion clinics.

If Brian Harridine ever becomes terminally ill. You can be assured that I (and my Grandpa) will whole heartedly support his right to die!

the rantolotl said...

Frankly, I support Brian Harridines right to die this very instant.

Joanne said...

Well dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians! Finally! The age-oppressed have come out swinging! Now all we need, comrades, is a walking stick, some arthritis pills and a whisky habit...