Monday, July 10, 2006

Don't shoot! I have caffeinated gum!

From IGN:

Of the suspects, who reportedly beat their victim to death and shot him in the face, Thompson said: "Nobody shoots anybody in the face unless you're a hit man or a video gamer."

IGN has launched an extensive investigation to determine whether or not anyone has ever been shot in the face by someone other than a hit man or a gamer. Stay tuned for our results.


This is great! Go IGN! I mean sure, video gamers can be violent little fuckers, but lets face it, if one tried to shoot you in the face, you'd have more than adequate time to get away while they tried to work out what the fuck to plug the cord into - and even then, well, calibration could take a little while. I guess it depends how fastidious your particular gamer actually is. Then there's the question of fitness. I can't imagine that many gamers are a good shot in real life anyway. They haven't developed the muscle mass to hold the gun steady enough while firing, for starters. Junk food and dark, dank rooms filled with unwashed clothes can be the breeding ground of new life forms, maybe, but ruthless sharpshooters? No. And for christs sake, if you can't get away in all that time, then you deserve to be shot. Really. And don't pretend the 'victim' didn't get adequate warning. When someone runs at you with an AK-47, screaming 'FRAG!', it's a bit rich to say 'Oh, I'm dead. Didn't see that coming. Damn'.

Anyway. What makes them think that this is a gamer thing? If it were true, wouldn't there be other telltale signs at the scene of the crime? Like cans of cola & ramen packets? Maybe the odd shot-up urinal or something? Really, it would all be pretty obvious. For starters, someone had to see the killer-gamer running around in camo gear, armed to the teeth, running up and down stairs and looking for vantage points from windows. I mean, if someone acting like that opened my door and ran about jumping on tables and peering out windows, I think I'd remember. It's all just a bit preposterous really.

I mean, anyone who can call themselves a
real gamer would know that it's the d&d players you need to watch out for. Dungeons and Dragons brings out the worst in people - just look at Krus - but even then, the violence is usually confined to the players at the table at any given time. Which is why the first rule of d&d is 'Please check weaponry at the door'. No one wants to have to clean up those nasty 'accidents'. So, armed with nothing more than a character sheet and a D20, I think it would be fairly difficult to shoot your opponent in the face. I mean, you might be able to do it with a rubber band and MacGyver, but any real d&d player should have flicked all the rubber bands at the dungeon master well before this point in proceedings. Amateurs.

If this lawyer was for real, he'd be asking the detectives involved to get back to the scene of the crime and look for the clues the real perpetrators left behind... hamburgers, eyemasks & purple fur. And maybe check the witness statements for the phrase 'Robble robble'. That's right - this crime has McDonalds lovable-yet-evil characters Grimace & The Hamburglar written all over it. Probably at the bidding of Mayor McCheese. Who the fuck voted him in, anyway?! It may as well have been them, for all the credibility the previous suggestion had.



Don't fuck with me, bitch.



In other news, this will probably be my last post for a few weeks. I'm off to Y'urp to see the sights of Prague, Vienna & that old shithole they call London. Excellent! Needless to say, there'll be updates a go-go when I get back, no doubt a truly historical documentation of what we can only hope turns into an international incident. I'll also find out if Austria loves the Hoff as much as Germany. Sure... they're technically not the same country, but they may as well be. BAM!


ps - am I the only one who wants Hamburglars' tie?

8 comments:

Fandango Jones said...

I always thought that the first rule of D&D was "Let he who is without a cheesed character throw the first die".

I want that tie too. I say we start planning for a raid on a McD's playground.

Krus said...

D&D doesn't bring out the worst in me, its brings out the worst in fandango! I still have bruises from all the thrown dice.

And they're not video games, they're murder simulators and training machines for terrorists!

Kipper said...

i'd prefer his hat, to be honest. it would complete my stylish wasp outfit.

Joanne said...

O...kay... A guy in a suit hates youth culture but has no decent argument to back him up... and this is news???

Hamburglar said...

Robble Robble Robble.

Bozza said...

As a coservative redneck republican would say, "Guns don't kill people TEENAGERS WITH VIDEO GAMES KILL PEOPLE".

Joanne said...

I can see this proving tricky: show me someone our age who has never played a video game... On the other hand, to backdate research to the days before video games is to leave the research open to criticisms of not being current.

K & R said...

Kit & Rat in Brooklyn LOAO