Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I'd be a richer man today if it weren't for physics...

Before we start, I'd like to welcome my newest link, a thoroughly enjoyable blog from the streets of France, which involves both swords and UHT milk. And for your information Kipper, my mother used to buy UHT milk, also on the premise that it lasted longer than regular, fresh milk. I've wracked my brain, and I still don't understand why this was necessary - she certainly drank enough milk to justify buying a carton of real milk. But to be fair, my mother's not really known for her good sense or judgement, so lets move on. Hastily.

Today, on my tram, was the worlds smelliest woman. She stood in front of me for a minute before getting off the tram. At first, I thought she smelt a bit sour. And then I started to wonder if I could pick up the subtle scents of urine, wafting ever so gently in my direction. The next minute, I had to glance at her feet to check that there were no tell tale puddles forming around her feet. Clearly, the varying and conflicting smells were too much for my simple nose to comprehend at once, but by the time she left, I think her general aroma, nay; ...bouquet!, was something along the lines of 'stale & fresh urine, enveloped in a heavy tobacco coat, with a subtle hint of dumpster & food de rotten'. I was in shock and awe. I was also going to have to get up and move if she didn't depart promptly. I didn't push her off the tram per se, but...

How do people get to become so damned smelly, anyhow? I mean, there's a lot of homeless out there, but they don't usually smell that fucking bad. Occasionally on an old drunk, you'll pick up the unmistakable 'I'm drunk and pissed myself' aroma, but this woman raised the bar, significantly. I watch a man in a suit approach her as the tram departed. He seemed to be offering her directions, and I can only imagine it was to the closest shower. I think she might even have been combustible. Probably a good thing I had no lighter, really - that sort of thing just has international incident written all over it.

But that's just one example of a fringe dweller - another one authored this comment on the notice board at my local gym/pool...

"The indoor pool temperature needs to be lowered. At the moment, it is far too high and makes me urinate uncontrollably"

WTF?! As in, she just thinks about this damned pool, and BAM! she's pissing all over the floor? Or maybe somewhere more subtle, like the showers or the pool itself? For fucks sake - if she's old enough to construct a sentence, she's old enough to know when she needs to take a fucking leak. And not in the pool. I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe people like her are the reason the pool temperature is high - The next time I take a swim, I'm going to closely investigate the water colour... or just push my wife in and ask for a report.

Fringe Dwellers. When will they learn? What causes this phenomenon of perfectly fit and able people to be completely barking mad? Mental illness? No. Veganism? Possibly. But I've done some research and came to the conclusion that each and every one of these people share a common link. That common link is this man:

That's right. The one, the only, the Hoff.

Missed him? The population of Germany haven't. They can't get enough of him. Constant sellout tours for his atrocious music - which seems to consist entirely of covers of songs that were bad enough the first time around. They even awarded him with the prestigious title of "most popular and best selling artist of the year"...ten albums under his belt in Germany alone. And I mean, alone - most of these albums have not been released outside of Europe, let alone Germany. But - why wouldn't Germans love this man? After all, he put an end to the cold war! I mean, sure, I had no idea until now, but hey! Motherfucking war hero!

I say we throw a party in his honour. We can have beer, coke & hookers. Oh! And party pies! Fan-fucking-tastic! We'll invite Pamela Anderson to make it authentic, but not Tommy Lee - I'm not having him in my house, fuck knows where he's been. But the jewel in the Hoff Party Crown? I can see it all now. It'll be an elaborate trap to cryogenically freeze him so he can't sing anymore... I mean... so future generations can enjoy his magic personality and sweet-as-honey voice. Mmm - that's what I meant to say.

Unfortunately, this plan depends on the Hoff not actually being a robot - and I can't say I'm convinced. Got any evidence to prove otherwise? I didn't think so. Everyone thought KITT was the robot in that relationship, but time will prove you all wrong. You just wait and see *shakes fist*

And really... all I can do now is leave you with the icing on the cake. Enjoy.


Joey said...

What. The. Fuck?

Kipper said...

Uncontrollable urination in heated pools is yet another compelling argument against childbearing.

Bozza said...

I have seen some amusing notes left by members of the gym I'm a member of, but not anywhere near as good as that one. I'm suprised the person in question actually admitted they urinate in a pool, even if the note was annonymous.

Fandango Jones said...

I don't find that much of a surprise at all - I always thought that the whole point of doing something anonymously was the complete lack of culpability.

Also: The Hoff just needs to remember his place and Lick The Frog!