Monday, November 06, 2006

Who ate all the pies?

You fat bastards. Yes. You. All of you, you cunts.

Look at you all. Laughing it up on pre-cup day festivities, getting drunk at my expense, stealing my jobs, stealing my women. Call yourselves Australians? You all look like fucking slack arse Kiwis to me. Christ. I'll bet you don't even know what a fucking iced vovo is, do you?

Here I am - stuck at work, dealing with a variety of fucking stupid requests, feeling all sick and seedy, and without even a drop of beer. Everything's shut. I ate Subway for lunch. Fucking Subway. And you lot are all out there drinking your cheap shitty wine, eating your crappy little cheese cubes, and poncing about in shorts and fucking thongs. You think you're so fucking good, don't you? Well, you're not. And neither are the idiots sending in these requests, either. Clearly a lot of staff and/or students are sitting at home, living it up, and sending me semi-drunken requests to simply 'fix it'. Fix what?, you might sensibly ask... as do I. Unfortunately, the replies are far from coherant or legible.

Sure. The requests we get here are often far from sensible, but the words WHOA! THIS IS A GREAT JOINT! or YES THANKYOU, ANOTHER BOTTLE WOULD BE LOVELY *HIC* don't usually leap out from between the lines like today. I guess the good news is that these people won't entirely remember anything I say to them on the phone. I can imagine the quiet discomfort now... tomorrow, next week, these people will wake up and...

Heh... great BBQ yesterday. Hah! Oh boy! Shouldn'tve done *that* to the dog!


Hang on... What's this?

Did I call the workco? Yes... I did... and hang on...

Did she tell me to go fuck myself? No... she couldn'tve!

...But what if she did? That's outrageous! Who's her manager?!


What if I said something...

...something inappropriate...

Maybe she had a reason to tell me to fuck off!

Oh crap! Crap crap crap!

Well, I can only hope - for my sake. But more seriously... our job would be a whole lot easier, faster, and in fact accurate if were allowed to use a standard response of "Because you're an idiot".

Forwarded request from Helpdesk:
User cannot open document.

"Why can't I open this document?"

Suggested Rantolotl Reply:
Because you're an idiot. It's a clearly marked PDF file, and you do not have a copy of Adobe Acrobat on your computer. Fuck knows why you don't... the preceding three pages fucking told you to go and download it. They even gave you the right web address to do so. You're such a fucking tool.

Just so you know, you've wasted both your own time and ours. I hope you're pleased with yourself. I'm going to go and supply assistance to someone who actually has a genuine problem now. No... Who am I kidding? They're all just as fucking stupid as you. You silly fucking cunt.

And just for the record, try giving us some ID numbers in the future. Do you think you're the only person in the world named 'John'? How the fuck do you think we're going to find you in our databases? Oh, that's right, we'll use the telekinesis expert we hired last month. You FUCK HEAD.


I think it's a great idea. They'd think twice before sending in even more time consuming, needless bullshit to us - plus I think there's some therapeutic value to be gained from calling a spade a spade.

And on that note, I'm off. Enjoy your fucking day off you time/air/booze/food wasting arseholes, and wish me better. This cold just won't fuck off.

Da Rantolotl.


CJ said...

Using my powers of TELEPATHY I can note a certain level of stress in the rantolotl. Never mind, just think of all those cheap piss induced headaches they'll all be suffering from while you're clear headed and ready to enjoy another productive day in the IT mines...

Anonymous said...

Did you really receive a help desk ticket like that? They should outsource that kind of stupid question to off-shore elves.

the rantolotl said...

Yeah, about half our tickets are that ill-equipped with details. My personal favorite is when they log them under 'unknown', and 'forget' to include the persons name at any other point of the ticket.

Bozza said...

After reading this thread, I can safely say that Jonitalia's parents are amongst the most intelligent in the world, by not having the silent H in his name he is distinguishable from at least 99% of Jo(h)ns.

Furthermore I myself am glad that my parents didn't simply call me Luke.

And to think there are some new parents out there with the sirname Smith who will still call their son John or even worse have a sirname that is commonly used as a first name and call their son/daughter exactly that (a friend of my mum's friend did exactly that, their sirname was David and they called their son David, yup seriously).

Bozza said...

By the by as I am now working in the print room at MBS and there are some days where it's dead quiet, you will see me respond to Rantolotl blog posts, quite possibly more often than usual.

Alt-o said...

Ooooooh .... so am i supposed to feel bad about not being at work then?

At least you don't have to live near the race course though. Footscray was full of junkies and the mentally ill and the locals were out in force too.

sperm said...

Heh, so I guess that why my question of "Did you have a good long weekend, or at least a long weekend" didnt dignify a (ranting) response ? lol