Thursday, February 08, 2007

New Zealand: Why it deserves it's title of arse end of the world

Ah, New Zealand. Home to anyone who can't afford the airfare across the Tasman. A land covered in things which are boring and can't kill you, the locals fill their days designing and playing with fear filled tourist contraptions, such a bungy jumps, reverse bungy jumps, low impact bungy jumps, sideways bungy jumps, and of course, the ever popular, yet rather expensive, invisible bungy jump. While these are all well and good, it lacks that authentic Australian fear that you can only get by finding a deadly snake attached to the end of your foot while attempting to kick a football. In New Zealand, it'd just be an eel, and you'd be more concerned about the pack of locals now running you down in an effort to catch the damned thing for dinner.

Now now, calm down little kiwi's - don't get all upset yet. That's right! You live in Auckland! And what a place to be, that is!! Surely the worlds densest concentration of hills within the bounds of what claims to be a city (though I suspect no one questions the validity of this claim because we all feel a bit sorry for them... you know, like Canberra), you'll find that like the fine city of Melbourne, there's a pub on every corner. The difference, however, is that your beer will cost you about $30 a pint. And don't even think about ordering the food - No, not even the chips - unless you plan to take a mortgage out on it. There seems to be a large quantity of Americans on the streets of Auckland, and once
you check out its harbour, you can see why. Yachts, wankers, and dining establishments constructed entirely out of glass abound. Not a local in sight!

A trip out to the suburbs (outer suburbs can be found approximately 10 meters away from the harbour by car) will get you your fix of localdom though, and possibly with a higher density of hills than the city centre. Strangely, the prices of food, beer & other essentials remains at the same extortionary price (and sometimes higher) than the city. It's impossible to understand why - I can only assume it has something to do with all the hills. But yes, take a trip out to the 'burbs of Auckland, and you'll a find a wide array of sights and sounds, in
terspersed with Lion Red cans strewn here and there, as if decoration for some ill fated festival that never happened and never will. My personal favorite is Mount Eden - the suburb with its very own volcano! If you were to visit this volcano which overlooks the glorious city of Auckland, as I did, you will no doubt be surprised to find the cone filled with cows. Clever agriculture, or convenient tacos? You tell me!

The public transport of Auckland is a wide and varied combination of many methods and means of transport, including; trains, busses, ferries, and in case of the need for transport after 11pm, your legs. Unfortunately for Aucklandiers, the bus routes seem to be designed in such a way that the busses only travel radially, not in the more common combination of r
adial and ring routes other cities employ for wide coverage. But that's okay, because there's the Auckland rail network! Featuring a full compliment of three train lines, you'll have to be careful to not become overwhelmed when you visit 'Britomart', the rain transport hub in the centre of Auckland! Amazingly - despite its name - Britomart doesn't double as a laundry powder supermarket, but is in fact a state of the art rail hub, able to cater to the stressful delivery of a full eighteen trains per hour! Lucky for Auckland, they're a long way from that cap yet! Plans are in place to develop an underground loop to the service. I'd make some sort of a jibe or joke there, but I'm almost certain it makes itself. Oh - and their trains are run by Connex... and they have our old, shitty, discarded Melbourne trains. Hahahahahahahaha!

There certainly are some spectacular views to be found all around New Zealand, and Fandango Jones & Krus can no doubt attest to the fabulous scenery to be found in the pubs of Auckland, but really, it's time to harden the fuck up and learn to wear shoes. A nation of thong-wearing, V8 worshipping, fish-and-chip-munching, singlet clad yobs is really a bit too much. I mean, we have our Frankstons and our Dandenongs, but a whole 'nat
ion' (hahahahahaha) is just a bit rich. Get with the fucking times and get some sensible footwear.

What the fuck is this nations' endless obsession with the fucking kiwi? It's the worlds most useless bird; completely unable to fly, it's too fluffy to eat, and it's outright crap at survival. In some bizarre twist of logic, the 'nations' Air Force decided to feature this very same bird on its official logo... a flightless, suicidal bird - which one could be forgiven for mistaking for a lemming - sitting in the middle of a fucking target. Oh, and it's surrounded by the words 'Bring it on'. So, what... it can cute you to death? For fucks sake. Get a
real national animal. One that can fucking eat people, yeah? At least something that has fucking teeth, for christs' sake - it's no wonder you're left with a nation of belly gazers with a vocabulary filled with words like 'sweeties' & 'pottle'. I think it's our duty as Australians to toughen our neighbours up a little. It's in their own interest, after all - If we don't, sooner or later our politicians are going to wander over there and claim the land as their own, and you're just going to lie in your armchairs and flap ineffectually at them while stuffing your mouths with deep fried ...something. It'll be sad and pathetic, and the media will buy it when they say they went in for humanitarian reasons. No, we have to do something to help. Like, throw sharks at you all until you learn to either scare them off effectively or be proud of your scars. And cut down on the fish and chips - while they may be tasty, particularly the paua fritters, it's not helping anyone. Feed them all to the National Front instead, so they'll resist less when you use the cunts as shields against the sharks.


The Rantolotl said...

PS - Happy Birthday Krus!

Krus said...

Auckland sucks. Hamilton had the pubs, eh cuzzy-bro.

Fandango Jones said...

I've lost count, so you'll have to correct me here... but is it the third or fourth time that you've used the bit about the Air-force logo and Kiwis? :p

Thongs and Lion Red... ahh... the international sign for 'Oh Fuck! Bogans!'

The Rantolotl said...

That logo is fucking stupid, and deserves to be mocked until they stop fucking using it. Consider yourself lucky I didn't stick the logo itself in there this time.

Fandango Jones said...

I will consider nothing! Actually, I consider it surprising that there isn't Kiwi shaped Kiwifruit flavoured candy out there for the snacking.
For shame, confectioners. For shame!

Kipper said...

Your account is factually correct except for one striking inaccuracy. Auckland is actually is one of the world's largest cities in terms of land area, covering over 6,000 sq km.

Krus said...

Aucklands so big in area because everyone living there keeps moving further away from it in a vain attempt to escape. Then the government says "oh shit, aucklands deserted again, push back the boundries". Soon the north island will just be auckland, and everyone will either move to the south island (causing new zealand to be renamed "greater auckland"), or they'll move over here and steal our sheep.

Krus said...

Oh, and kiwi's are evil little bastards. They look cute to sucker in tourists, then pull out tiny switch-blades and knife them. They also eat sheep.

Fandango Jones said...

Is that why you painted one on your wall? I suppose it matches the pentagram...