Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Dear god, make them stop

How to kill an academic in 3 easy steps…

Step 1) Ask them to read an instruction manual.
Step 2) Don’t respond to their queries that could easily have been answered by reading the manual
Step 3) Wait.

Starve them attention and they’ll die pretty soon. Probably in a big, sobbing, loud & obnoxious mess.

To be fair, not all academics are bad, but the ones who are more than make up for the lack of insanity by the others. I mean really, they’re like spoilt fucking children. They whine whenever something doesn’t go absolutely 100% right for them (actually, they usually find a way of whining even when it does), and they refuse to take any responsibility for fixing their own fuckups. Then come the threats.

Here's a summary of every conversation I've had with an academic in the last few days:

academic: I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD! WHY CAN I NOT LOG IN?!
rantolotl: Because you entered the wrong password. You changed it last week, remember?
academic: BUT I’M SMARTER THAN MY PASSWORD! I’M SMARTER THAN ANYONE WHO’S EVER TOUCHED THIS SYSTEM! I’M AN ACADEMIC! I’M THE ACADEMIC!
rantolotl:
This may be so, but unfortunately, you will either need to remember your password, or we can reset it for you.
academic:
THAT’S UNACCEPTABLE! I SHOULD BE ABLE TO USE THIS PATHETIC SYSTEM WITHOUT HAVING TO CALL PEOPLE UP TO BEG AND GROVEL FOR ACCESS. WHY HAVE YOU NOT IMPLEMENTED THE CHANGES I’VE SUGGESTED TO YOU BEFORE? WHY SHOULD WE BE CONSTANTLY INCONVENIENCED BY THE LACK OF SERVICE AND SENSIBILITY HERE?!
rantolotl: Excuse me, but…
academic:
I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! THIS IS PATHETIC. HOW AM I MEANT TO WORK LIKE THIS?! YOUR INSISTENCE TO SABOTAGE MINE & MY STUDENTS WORK HAS GONE TOO FAR. I’M WRITING YOU ANOTHER SUGGESTION.
rantolotl: I’m writing you one too, sir. I mean, I look forward to passing it on to my supervisor. I mean... okay.
academic:
WHY DIDN’T THIS REQUEST GO STRAIGHT TO YOUR SUPERVISOR ANYWAY?
rantolotl: Look – we can solve this very simply.
academic:
THAT’S NOT THE ISSUE ANYMORE, IS IT? THE ISSUE IS THE ONGOING HARASSMENT I EXPERIENCE FROM YOUR SYSTEM. I'M SPEAKING TO THE VICE CHANCELLOR ABOUT THIS.
rantolotl: I’m sending this job to my supervisor now.
academic:
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
rantolotl: Goodbye…
academic:
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!
rantolotl: *click*

I love this idea that they think that the Vice Chancellor (big boss) would even care. It'd be fucking great to unleash a swarm of them into the VC's office and watch them compete for attention. I can picture it now. No! The VC loves ME more!! Fucking arsehats. What the hell do they even contribute anyway? An enhanced sense of reality for the rest of us? An accurate demonstration of what an overinflated ego is (or more to the point, isn't) capable of? Why do we continue to nurture these arseholes? It's always going to end up at our own demise. There can be an argument made for them studying enough to do something useful - like develop a cure for cancer. And while this sounds good, it's misleading. Sure, they could develop a cure for cancer, but then... oh boy. Like a fat child in a candy store. First, they'd lecture about their cure - no details given, but purely self praise. Then, they'd write abook about how fanstastic they are for removing all this misery from the world, while going from overseas junket to junket speaking at conferences, panels & hospitals. But would anyone ever get to hear of the fucking cure itself? Of course not. Fucking inconsiderate bastards letting everyone die. If you see one, punch them in the face for me.

The only thing more annoying than an academic are those morons who constantly praise them, thinking that every piece of drivel that slops from their mouths is gold. Wake up and smell the self obsessed wankers already.

In summary;

Academics: Only thinking of themselves and pissing people off in their wake. Fucking cunts.



11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well at least one doesn't have to live with an academic. Imagine the superiority at the dinner table, the self-righteousness in the bedroom...

-K

Anonymous said...

But it only stands to reason that the academic would have to be on top in the bedroom anyway.

Anonymous said...

Yes yes, but what of the bathroom? Was there or was there not poop that came from a girl?

Anonymous said...

As a former desktop support person and current academic, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

the rantolotl said...

I have no idea who you are, but as you've managed to take on both of those roles, you're probably in the 'good academic' category. You've had to sit through the hours of painstaking whinging that comes from being forced to listen to morons complain about issues that you or no one around you has any control or influence over. What can you do? Suggest they write a letter to Bill Gates? But then they'd probably only do that if you let them use your blood as ink, anyway.

Anyhow, the moral of the story is that I hope you punch the more moronic of your colleagues in the face. Frequently.

Anonymous said...

But oh GOD meetings with these people is a dream!! because everything they say is SO important... and every word that comes out of their mouth is a miricle we are witnessing.

I like to draw violent cartoons while they are talking and hand them to a 'superior' on the way out!

Esmerelda Smith said...

incidentally - that last noe was not anon... it was me...

Fandango Jones said...

Oh!

Well, just to be clear, this post is from me too. Although I 'me' is different from you 'me', if you catch my drift.
Wouldn't want anyone to be confused.

Esmerelda Smith said...

I spend my life confused.

Fandango Jones said...

I suppose thats better than spending your life pant-less. Although I'm sure some cunning people could make that work to their advantage.

Esmerelda Smith said...

Sometimes i LIKE to be pant-less