Beware the weary traveller

Today, my wife sent me an email asking me to edit a document she’d drafted. Here’s the text from the email:

its pretty crap
but then i was talking to you while writing it
which doesn't mean you are crap but I was distracted


Thanks honey, I love you too.


Back to the update – at the moment we have another couch-dweller. We often have couch-dwellers seeing as we’re all international jet setters flying from continent to continent in cattle class and befriending drunks in bars in return for a bed to sleep in. Boy, does that get complicated when you have a partner in tow. Annnyway, long story short, I think we need to put a household ban on handing out phone numbers, addresses (residential or email) to people met along the way, or even friends in other states, countries, continents, etc in general. They inevitably appear on your doorstep, and then they become really fucking annoying - no matter how much you might have liked them in fucking Scotland.

The one we have at the moment… -sigh-… I don’t know where to begin. She’s a mate of one of the housemates, and well, she’s reached new levels in irritation. I think even he’s pissed at her now – and buddy, if you’re reading this – sorry, but she is. It’s okay though, our guests are pretty fucking annoying too.

Man, she bought a fucking didgeridoo. And now she’s trying to teach herself to play it – frequently. She whines about everything, usually interrupting our conversations to do so, and leaves her shit everywhere, right down to leaving her underpants draped across our towels. I know, I know, I’m an intolerant fuckhead at the best of times, but really. I don’t think she’s a horrible person, I just think she’s inherently annoying. She cries, too. I can’t fault her opinions on life the universe and everything, but this is largely because I have to leave the room before she talks, in case I accidentally punch her in the head.

I’ll stop talking about her now, but please, can someone answer me just this one question: WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEONE FROM FINLAND NEED TO USE A HEATER ALL DAY & NIGHT IN A MELBOURNE SUMMER?! I know I’m a heater nazi, but this is just fucking ridiculous. She doesn’t want to go camping because she thinks the weather is shit – funny, since it’s forecasted as ‘fine & sunny’ all week. Gah!

But to be fair to our housemate, I think we need to highlight some of the in discrepancies of the guests we’ve had over the years.

One traveller we’ve had likes to watch TV at a high volume in the early hours of the morning, whilst yelling encouragement or abuse at the presenters of the programmes.

This same man often doesn’t feel the need to wear pants. Or shirts. He comes from somewhere cold, and seems to enjoy the many hours of sunlight and warmth our city is not at all known for.

That man, also doesn’t really have an understanding of privacy, and seem to think that changing all clothing in a public space (lounge room, meeting room, public beach on a warm day) is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Actually, that above point has occurred many times with couch-dwellers in our house. I have no idea why. When I travel, I try to keep my bits in appropriate bit-receptacles in public.

Another guy we had staying over liked to sleep with socks on his hands.

Another one seemed to enjoy spending time walking around the house wearing a towel (sometimes also reading Melbourne Fetish Magazine simultaneously).

That same guy would often drop his towel in the crowded lounge room whilst getting dressed. I’d like to confirm at this point that yes, we have many rooms in which these travellers can get changed in privacy.

The one who makes toast, and leaves the bread, butter, jam jar, and cheese all out in the open on the bench, then goes out. All but the jam need to be thrown out when you come home work.

And most annoying of all, the “Can I use your computer” couch-dweller. 6 hours later, he’s still finely crafting that email to his girlfriend.


This really goes to prove my point that all travellers suck, not just my housemates friends. The moral of the story? (A lot of my updates seem to have morals attached, I’ve noticed) If you’re a traveller, be as fucking annoying as you can; eat their food, steal their beer, steal their girl/boy friends, and fart loudly – it’s the one time you’ll be able to get away with it without burning too many bridges or getting your arse seriously kicked; and whatever you do, do not give away any real personal details, because they will come back to bite you. Now, my advice to the returned traveller who gets an email from their dear friend Billy from Thailand, refer them to a good hostel with apology, and the explanation that your house is filled with weasels. Killer super-bitey weasels. You’ll catch up with them at the pub or something, and no, you don’t have a couch, the weasels ate it.