Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Where's my salamander?!

Melbourne is fucked.

Usually, I like this town. It's nice, I like the weather, the lawns are neat and tidy, and there's a relatively good ratio of wankers to people-I-like.

Today, in fact - this month as a whole is very, irredeemably different. Why? Three words my friend; Commonwealth Fucking Games.

I'm all for sporty type activities. I like watching them, I like playing them, and overall I think they're fun. But the Commonweatlh Games have got to go. The atheletes are fine, but the bastards keep fucking appearing everywhere, the volunteers are mad, yet self righteous about donating their labour to an event no one even cares about, and it's giving those fucking Monarchists something to carry on about. In the end all it really is, is a bunch of fucking wannabe Brit toffs trying to pretend they're part of a decrepit almost non-existant empire. Look at our subjects perform for us! Oh-ho-ho! Look at South Africa! They have black men on the team now! Look how they've grown, look how they've learnt! Oh? Another Gin & Tonic? Please, and bring me my pith helmet, boy!

The only manner in which the British Empire still exists is in the form of the worlds stupidest fucking professional level sporting event - the Commonwealth Games. So spare a thought for the people of Melbourne as we go through the pain that is inherant of hosting a 'world class sporting event' in the middle of a fucking War on Terrorism. Suddenly, it's not just the Lebanese who are terrorists anymore, it's every fucking person who isn't a games volunteer or athlete. They removed our bins! They replaced a few of them with stupid clear sided versions, so 'bombs' could be seen in them. What the fuck were they thinking?! You know, if I was a terrorist, I'm going to make some effort to hide my bomb. Maybe that's why I didn't get into terrorist school; because clearly, they must use big red sticks of dynamite with a ticking clock attached, marked TNT in bright red letters. Like this:


It might not need to have the exclamation point though.

But seriously, we're getting fucked in a big way. Our trains aren't running, and the games haven't even started yet. The announcement I heard at the station tonight was that our trains had been delayed due to 'security concerns'. They didn't tell us how long we could expect to wait, they didn't tell us what particular trains were effected, and worst of all, they didn't bother to share the interesting details of what sort of 'security concern' could delay an entire branch of trains for over half a fucking hour. If I watch the news tonight and find out that our central station hasn't been blown up, I'm going to be seriously pissed off.

"Dear customers,
The next Upfield line service will be delayed 15 - 20 minutes this evening, because this train is a pipe bomb. Connex apologises for the inconvenience."

If the public transport stupidity isn't enough, it seems that Melburnians aren't even good enough to use their own roads or bike paths or parks anymore. Entire public parks have been sectioned off for use by athletes in preparation, competing cyclists have taken over the roads, and the cops have cordoned off entire sections of the city, once again, for the increasingly mysterious 'security reasons'.

Clearly, the State government didn't go far enough in simply clearing the homeless, young drunks & graffiti off the streets. To save time and effort later, they really just should have shipped the entire population of Melbourne to Tasmania. It would've been easy. They could've just diverted all the roads 'for security reasons' straight into a really large crate on a ship. Then, they could've run all the rail lines into another large crate on a ship (these are really big ships). Send them packing, and there we go; most of Melbourne removed - problem solved, Games a success. We'll bring them back in a couple of weeks or so. Maybe...

And also spare a thought for women having a urine test. It can get surprisingly messy, and I guess it's a bit of a no-no to ask if you can borrow a funnel...


Rantolotl.

PS - Links for those who would like a Commonwealth Games alternative in the coming weeks, and a Pith Helmet:

The Graffiti Games 2006
The Stolenwealth Games


10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Quit the FBI. Come work for me. It could make your problems go away.

Fandango Jones said...

Funny, today was the first time in a week that I had a good and easy train ride home. Thank Jeebus for idiot-people who would rather pile on to an already packed-full train en masse rather than waiting the seven minutes for the next, comparibly empty, train to the same place.

Kipper said...

Are you going to enter something in the Graffitti Games? Do it!

Also, got any photos of those bins and game volunteers in idiot volunteer outfits?

And I'd like clarification on cycling lanes being closed off to commuter cyclists in favour of games cyclists. You're kidding, right???

Kipper said...

Are you going to enter something in the Graffitti Games? Do it!

Also, got any photos of those bins and game volunteers in idiot volunteer outfits?

And I'd like clarification on cycling lanes being closed off to commuter cyclists in favour of games cyclists. You're kidding, right???

the rantolotl said...

FBI? Hmmm... unclean! unclean!


In response to Kipper though, yes, they actually closed off the bike path through royal park, so morons in lycra (more absurd versions that most cyclists wear) can run around in circles. I went past in the train (it was the 4.41 train, I went past the park at 5.30-ish... this is normally a 10-15 minute ride to this point. So yeah - cycling track closed at peak hour.

I attempted to cycle in this morning, only to find that some moron tourist had run over a cyclist while trying to avoid a tram. So - I have no idea how I'll be getting to work for the next couple of weeks. Kite, I expect.

the rantolotl said...

Oh, and yes, I'll be entering something in the GG - I'm just trying to come up with some ideas. Got some old ones, but I'd like to put up something original.

And yep, I'll be sure to power up the camera and get to capturing moments of stupidity throughout Melbourne.

Esmerelda Smith said...

Go, join the fun.

Naked!!

the rantolotl said...

I like the way you think!

Anonymous said...

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f90/pithcollector/pith.gif

the rantolotl said...

That's pure class!