Monday, April 10, 2006

human missiles of stupidity

What the fuck is wrong with people today?

I get to work this morning and endure a handful of students in the lift, talking in stupid-speak (possibly a local dialect). What the hell are students on these days? The stupid little chatty bastards were all pep and fucking rainbows this morning, I tell ya. What the hell right do they have to be that cheery that early in the morning? I mean, I hate being awake at that sort of hour, but I get paid to do it! They don't, and they're meant to be poor and starving - the least they can do is be fucking miserable about it.

I don't normally have to deal with students this early in the morning because I'm lucky enough to work in an unmarked, standalone building (in a brown paper bag), so I retreat to a corner of the lift and quietly sip my coffee and hope they'll leave soon; a hope soon shattered by their incompetence in simply pressing a button corresponding to the level they want to get off at. They go sailing past their floor, and travel all the way to the top with me; all the while seemingly talking in acronyms and babble. I have no idea what they were on about, I could only guess by the flailing and intonations the 'words' were accompanied by. I know I often sound like a whining fucking 80 year old, but technically, I'm young, and should be up with so called trends enough to know that they were uncool - but right now I'm going to have to hazard a guess at that fact, because I have no idea what the hell they were doing. Maybe they were aliens.

So - thinking that my daily dose of ridiculous was over, I feel safe heading into my lunchbreak. Never have I been so wrong. In fact, never have I seen such an unchoreographed, incompetent and downright ungraceful example of Melburnians. Normally, our streets work like a moderately oiled machine - people more or less walk at a good pace, on the right side of the path for their direction, and the idiot percentile is low enough so that dodging them when they randomly stop or weave is pretty effortless as long as you keep your eyes open. Today, that all went to hell. people were all over the fucking place; shoppers standing still on corners, people walking at right angles to the flow of foot traffic at the lights (they felt like examining the middle of the intersection, perhaps?), and piss all people bothering to walk at a speed that might indicate they had full brain functionality. Then, there was the guy in front of me (GIFOM).

I see another hapless idiot standing on the corner to the entrance to a popular shopping centre/train station, eating christ knows what out of a bag. Seeing that the dude is clearly well tied up in the task of stuffing his face and isn't about to move anywhere, I start to move around the outside of him. GIFOM instead decides that this guy is an obstacle that must be dealt with - he stops abruptly (forcing me to stop too), and then ORDERS this guy to get out his way

GIFOM: "Excuse me, get out of the way" he barks, while starting to shove his way through.

Obstacle Man: "Wha?" The
guy looks puzzled as he pulls his feed-bag away from his face. I start to try and move around the pair.

GIFOM: "I said get out of the way!"

At this point, he literally shoves Obstacle man out of the way, who struggles to keep his balance. I don't know which way to move.
GIFOM then keeps walking, and I slip in behind him as the fastest way to get through. A torrent of abuse comes from behind us, as Obstacle Man realises what's happened. I'm mid-turn, looking to see if Obstacle Man is following GIFOM, when I see her arms go up, and then there's the scream.



Flowers everywhere.

Looks like the widened area of chaos GIFOM created off-balanced some woman carrying an armful of flowers - she's lying on the ground, people are helping her up, an
d Obstacle Man is telling her all about what a prick GIFOM is, while picking up her flowers. I continue to wander down the escalators in search of food, and GIFOM strides ahead, without looking back. I get the feeling he does this often.

Now down the escalators, there's a little food court - there's soem good food there, and then there's KFC & Maccas, etc. Out of curiousity, I follow GIFOM some more, interested to know where it might lead. He heads straight to KFC, quickening his pace with every step. He gets to the line, shoves past a few people, and then promptly leaves it again, doubling back towards me, as I stand outside a Sushi joint (where I'm planning to eat). GIFOM darts in front of me at the display cabinet, and then shoves past another handful of people so he can see what's available. Seemingly unsatisfied, he continues on his merry way, leaving a trail of confused people in his wake. I stopped following him at this point, sound in the assumption that someone took their angry pills this morning.

Man. Some people just take lunch too seriously. Maybe GIFOM should spend his time working on his social interaction skills. Or maybe, he should just be branded with the words 'DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS' for the safety of, well, everyone.


Fandango Jones said...

Ha, sounds like someone in need of a pantsing.

Makes me think of a Hicks bit:
Not only should pot be legal, but it should be mandatory. like on the freeway, somebody's honking at you... *hooonk hooonnkkk* "shut up and smoke this!" *puff puff* "oh, i'm sorry i was taking life seriously."

Although, honestly, people like that don't deserve the luxury =)

the rantolotl said...

A conversation just took place, and as a result, we have another competition on our hands. The winner wins bonus points - the first person to recieve a million billion bonus points will get some free Rantolotl merch. But only if I like you.

Rantolotl: I think it's my best mspaint creation ever

Fandango says:
although I'm still wondering jsut what its meant to say?

Rantolotl: Why don't you start a competition on the comments board? I'll give bonus points to whoevers statement I like the most

Fandango says:
huh? Shouldn't *you* be the one issuing that challenge?

Rantolotl: yeah, alright.

Right. Challenge issued; get to it. I might also remind punters that bonus points are still up for grabs in "Without MSG I am nothing".

the rantolotl said...

Oh - and the mspaint piece in question, is of course "Mounty Man", at the bottom of this post. What does his sign say? You tell me.

Krus said...

Something along these lines i think.

"March for Life."
Stop abortions.... or we'll fucking shoot you!

Nodge said...

"The rear of this premises is under constant electronic stimulation. Enter at own risk"

Angry commuter said...

I'll put my pants back on when connex gives me my bins back!

Anonymous said...

"Respect human life... bomb people!"

Fandango Jones said...

"can you help me with this bandaid?"

I am such a bitch... =D