Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Road Rage

A little while back, I ran someone over while cycling to work. It was great!

But while on the road, I'm downright sick of fuckheads doing stupid and dangerous things, when they know full well what they're doing. Like the moron in the car that sees you entering the intersection, knows they have to legally give way to you, yet still makes a conscious decision that they're bigger than you, so they should just do what they want - even if it means you'll be eating gravel for breakfast. What total fucking wankers.

So - when I ran over that pedestrian a few weeks ago, it felt thoroughly satisfying. Hell, he wasn't being an asshole, he fit right into that category of road users who make mistakes - which really is probably all of us. But the good news that when someone fitting into this category has a bit of a scare, they actually learn from it. The next time this dude wanders across a busy street with slow moving & stalled traffic, he'll listen for a *ding! ding! ding!* , and look for a very fast moving person atop two wheels about to fly past.

The happiest moment of my day after someone changes lanes into my bike without bothering to do a headcheck, is seeing the stunned and apologetic look on their faces afterwards - it's like they actually realised they did something silly. Most people do this, but you'd be amazed how many actually look at you on your bike, peddling away in the marked bike lane, and still just cut across into you, just like you can somehow levitate out of their way or something (while doing 40kph on a downhill run). It's almost worth the weight penalty to carry bricks in my backpack, ready for these assholes when they turn up - they fucking deserve it.

I used to ride a motorbike, and often dreamed of studding the outside of my boots with metal studs, just ready for them. My favorite motorbike moment of all time was riding down the Eastern to work, as I did every day of the week, and encountering the usual half asleep driver changing lanes right into me - magically expecting me to deal with the concrete barrier on my other side. This particular driver though, had gotten about 3/4 of the way into my lane, and still hadn't noticed me beeping and gradly gesticulating at her - until I rode up next to her, and gently rapped on her drivers side window with my kevlar glove. Man, did she freak out! When she finally stopped swerving, she retreated back to the far left hand lane, well away from anyone else who might be tempted to scare the living daylights out of her.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those lunatic cyclists/motorcyclists that you see screaming at cars as they pass them, flipping them off left right and centre, and cutting off their fellow road users (cars, motorbikes and cyclists) - they're fucking incosiderate road nazis, no better than the shitheads in 4WD's that they so enthusiastically throw their bikes at.

Which reminds me. Krus (a.k.a Germ-Boy) threw an excellent tantrum on a crowded platform at Flinders St Station last week, very much in the same vein of Mr "I'M ANGRY AND I RIDE A BIKE!" type people mentioned above. It was excellent. Some might even call it spectacular... here on a crowded platform on Grand Prix day, after we were forcibly thrown off another stupid Connex Service (we were simply trying to get to Melbourne Central) and being forced to change trains, 10 minutes later we found ourselves on a very crowded platform waiting for either one of two delayed trains. Krus attempted to do what any reasonable person would in such a situation, and sought a snack. He returned, triumphant with a potato cake, and a great story about how the person behind him asked for the same snack, but instead called it a "potato scone". We decided they were South Australian.

So, Krus was seemingly enjoying his deep fried bag of tasty, as I paced about impatiently randomly insulting Connex trains, until he asked me if I could see a bin nearby. When I responded there were none, that they hadn't replaced them yet (Read more about the theft of our bins here), Krus screws up his paper bag, and lobs it over the platform full of people onto the train tracks. We look at him (as does most of the platform), he's folded his arms, and looking angry... and then he erupts...

"WELL IF THEY WON'T GIVE US ANY FUCKING BINS, WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT?!"

He pauses. More people are staring

"OHHH!" He says, addressing the crowd, arms flailing. "MY BAG WAS A PIPE BOMB! THAT'S RIGHT! A PIPE BOMB! THAT'S WHY I CAN'T USE THE BINS. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT! FUCKING CONNEX!"

People have now turned around and are moving away from us using slow and deliberate movements. Krus has managed to litter, cause a public scene, and create a minor bomb scare, all within a minute and a half.

But hey, at least people stayed out of our way when we finally got on the train. Clearly, the only way to deal with Melbournes public transport is to walk the fine line of being socially unacceptable, scaring people and avoiding arrest. And to always blame the bike nazi.

7 comments:

Fandango Jones said...

Ha! That's a great Krus moment! Why didn't I hear of it earlier?
Although he's still yet to top the time he threatened to beat up a Random Old Lady™ with a Hungry Jacks food tray, I laughed so hard I nearly shat.

the rantolotl said...

I prefer the time he threw spare change at that yuppie at the Belgian Beer Cafe

Esmerelda Smith said...

Who is the legendary Krus?

I think there needs to be More About Krus...

the rantolotl said...

Remember the guy who proposed to you at my wedding? That was Krus.

Fandango Jones said...

Krus is one of those people who always gets introduced as "He's the guy I told you about who..."

And the Yuppie ranks lowly, they can move without the aide of a walking frame and put up an effort at self-defence. Besides, people expect random drunken acts of spaz at pubs, but not quite so much at fast-food outlets.

Krus said...

That old woman was asking for a beating. And so was the yuppie. And so is connex... fucking connex bastards.

Fandango Jones said...

I hear what you're saying Krus, and it just sounds like "Dah dahhhhh dah da-dah da-dah dahhh dah da KATAMARI DAMACY!"

Seriously, you should get that checked out.