Yell to Work Day, 2006

Today is hell. This is why. In some sort of ridiculous, half arsed and ill thought out attempt to raise the profile of cycling in Melbourne, Bicycle Victoria's 13th year of 'Ride to Work Day' is bigger, stupider, and more annoying than ever. The whole premise of this stupid fucking day is something along the lines 'cars are mean pollutants', 'cycling is healthy', 'oh, isn't this social and fun?' as well as other various soft, middle-class-guilt-induced whinings.

The whole fucking idea is bollocks. I for one want to see basic licensing programs for cyclists on our roads, in addition of course, to a greater and more useful collection of off-road tracks & shared pathways through the suburbs. Shitheads who don't know how to use a fucking road really shouldn't actually be on one unless they actually want a punch in the face. I support the whole Critical Mass thing, you know, those guys who do their best to ride en-masse through the city once a month, pissing of cars and the like - they actually piss everyone off for the right reasons - you know, raising safety and road consideration awareness or some shit. At the very least, they try to look menacing enough that people will think twice before cutting them off, which is more than you can say for these slack, doughy Ride to Work Day tossers.

These fat, unfit, middle aged, stupid blue shirt and knee-high sock wearing arseholes treat this day like their own personal Mecca, clogging up our already tiny bike lanes with their lazy two-wheeled crawl to work. They consistently get in the way of cars, they show poor etiquette, and they get in the way of anyone who likes to put a little effort into their cycling. If you think that simply freewheeling down any given CBD downhill stretch, when there's ten bikes and a whole fucking mess of traffic behind you is an okay thing to do, then I've got news for you.

But no. They don't stop there. They couldn't possibly - that might actually be considerate.

Basking in the warm glow of self righteousness, these shitheads ride sloppily, drifting from one side of the bike lane to the other, erratically, so that passing them without entering a stream of traffic is rendered damned near impossible. They ride incredibly slowly, treating every new stretch of road as another reason to sightsee and fuck about as if it was actually a Sunday arse-about-the-park, instead of the somewhat more realistic 9am rush to work. I'm surprised they don't stop and feed the pigeons along the way. They might as fucking well.

My favorite bit though is their consideration - or lack thereof - for other cyclists or traffic more generally for that matter. Why wait at the back of the queue of stopped bikes at an intersection, when you can ride up to the front of it, and block everyone off? I mean, it's great! You can't time the lights properly, you manage to block the pedestrian crossing, or even better yet - my personal favorite, in fact - you stop your fucking bike far enough into the intersection to actually block off cars & cyclists coming along the intersecting road. How is this level of ignorance even fucking possible?

When I had a motorbike, I used to stick thumbtacks into the soles of of my boots, so that when morons in cars did something stupid enough, like, get close enough for me to kick them, I would, and they (or their paintwork) would remember it. I'd like to think I slowly - but surely - educated the highly selfish motorists of the Eastern Suburbs as to proper etiquette when dealing with motorcycles. I'm beginning to think that I'm going to have to take a similar course of action with these rogue fashion-cyclists. At first, I considered keeping a collection of sticks on my person, so as to be able to casually flick them into spokes when necessary. But then I thought that really, that would be a little bit mean, wouldn't it? I mean, I don't really want to see these people all bloody and injured on the side of the road... well, not all of them, anyway. Surely, they'll get all tired of the cycling thing in a month or so, and go back to land-rovering into work and pissing me off in entirely different ways.

But still... I'd like to speed up this process.

So far, I'm working along the lines of throwing dead puppies at them, but I fear running out of stock. I also fear angry vegans.

Any ideas?


Oh, and if you're new to cycling on those big black things with little yellow lines on them, here's a few tips:

First of all, they're called roads.

Don't try and overtake people who have already overtook you and clearly move faster than you at a steady speed.

For the men - don't try and outpace women, overtake them, and then go back to your normal, slower, speed. She'll just overtake you again, and with any luck, punch you in the face.

Stick to the left of the bike lane. If you can't manage that, at least try and be aware enough to notice if anyone is trying to pass you.

Don't run over pedestrians. That's my job.

Don't fucking dart in front of cars. They can't just magically stop instantly, and they'll probably swerve to the side, hitting someone significantly less stupid than you. It would be a waste.

Don't talk to other, random, cyclists when stopped. Or more importantly, when riding. Sooner or later I'll be the recipient of your unwarranted 'friendliness', and while I might be polite enough to your face, I'll be plotting my revenge as soon as your back is turned.

Stay off the fucking roads.