Thursday, May 10, 2007

The results are in... BEB07!

Recently, in Cooking With Rantolotl, we ran a bit of a competition for Giant Food for the Inaugural Brunswick Easter Blendtacular. I was going to make some sort of jibe that in a competition like this, everyone loses, but it's not really funny, because it's true. You all lost. Losers.

However, those of us who turned up, ate, drank & were merry were well catered for until you all pissed off to play Wii games, you fucking dorks. Last time I bother to cook giant food for you lot. Still, this is what we made and how we made it... all meals seemed to get two thumbs up, though it is fair to say our judgment may have been increasingly off kilter as the night went on, largely due to a range of delicious, and highly un-nutritious blended cocktails.

First Course
Giant Miniature Mac Cheese & Steak BBQ Pizza

1 Pizza base (in this case, home made)
1 family size box of Kraft Macaroni Cheese
2 small/1 large minute steaks
A lot of BBQ Sauce
Mozzarella cheese
Fresh basil
Two cloves Garlic

Cook minute steaks with with garlic, in a dash of olive oil. Set steaks aside to rest, reserve oil and garlic in pan.

Cook Macaroni Cheese as per packet instructions, and allow to rest a little while. Add steak pan juices and stir through cold mixture.

Blend steaks to a fine... consistency in a food processor. (Fig 1)

Assemble pizza by pouring a healthy amount of BBQ sauce on base, spreading evenly, and then spoon Mac Cheese mixture on top. (Fig 2) Dress with steak (Fig 3), and add a swirl of BBQ sauce. Top with cheese, pop into oven (180c or thereabouts) until it looks tasty. Garnish generously with torn basil leaves. Serve. (Fig 4)

Second Course
Filled gnocchi the size of Krus' fist (or larger)

Bolognese sauce (make it yourself. It's not all that difficult to work out.)
Gnocchi dough (potato and flour. Again, not all that difficult to work out.)
Cheese & stuff

Find yourself a large, round bowl. In this instance, we used a noodle bowl. It worked well. Now, find yourself a really fucking big pot, and fill it with water. Lots of water. Don't forget to salt your water, and put it on the stove to boil. This will take forever.

Grease, or line your bowl with gladwrap. Get your dough out of the fridge, and stare at it for a minute while you work out the best way to handle it. Form it into a largish, circlish sort of shape, then toss it into the bowl, pressing it down to the bottom and having a fair bit of overlap from the edges. You want the dough to be about an inch thick or thereabouts if it's to hold together.

Fill the hollow of your bowl filled with dough with your bolognese sauce (note that it should be cooked, and cooled). Fill it right up the the very top, and then fold your edgey bits in, squishing it all together until it looks about right and all sealed and shit. Cover, and place in the fridge for 30 minutes or so to 'set'. (Fig 5 & 6)

Wait for your water to be boiling vigorously.

Keep waiting.

And waiting.

Okay, now grab your bowl out of the fridge, and carefully upend your gnocchi into your hands. Take the time to admire your handywork, before it all potentially turns to shit. Gently drop it into your pot of water, taking care to not burn yourself, or more practically, turn the cold water tap on before doing this so you can immediately cool your burns.

Wait forever.

Keep waiting.

Now, spend the next ten minutes attempting to work out how the fuck to get the thing out of the pot now that it's in, cooked, and in an even more delicate state. Our method involved a strainer, a bamboo steaming basket, a wooden spoon, alcohol, and a lot of yelling. Again, it's a good idea to keep the cold tap running.

Ah. Now, while you were waiting, you should've reheated your bolognese sauce. So, go back in time and do that now, and then get a big, flattish bowl out in which you plan to serve your carbohydrate rich delicacy. Spoon sauce attractively into said bowl, and then place your drained giant gnocchi on top. Try not to drop it, as this will make quite a mess, and probably ruin your night, and your gnocchi. Now, dollop a little sauce over the top (Fig 7), and again, garnish liberally with torn basil, and grate some fresh parmesan over the top for added tasty. Serve, and enjoy. (Fig 8)

It's about this point in the evening where if you haven't finished your beer and moved onto cocktails, you damn well should've. So, without further ado, let me introduce to you, the marvelous, festivity inducing, Yoda's Cock.

Creme De Menthe (Green)
Other random lying about booze

Find yourself a blender, place it somewhere well away from anything stainable.

Carefully pick out some lovely ripe bananas from your bunch (approx one per person), peel delicately, so as not to bruise the flesh, then rip enthusiastically into blender size portions.

Throw banana chunks into blender, and pour in Creme De Menthe... quantities don't really matter, so lets just say, to about the 3/4 mark of the blender jug. Add some ice, and other spirits to taste. (Fig 9)

Blend (and dance). (Fig 10)

Serve. (Fig 11)

Third Course (Supper)
Giant Kath Surprise

1 pack of hotdogs (8 should do the trick)
1 can of spaghetti and meatballs in tomato sauce
1 pack of filo pastry
anything else you have lying about

Make, or buy yourself a little tart base thingo, to give the whole structure a bit of stability. It's easy enough to make one yourself by combining some flour, an egg, and maybe some butter. Cook it until it's firm enough to hold stuff without falling in a heap. At the same time, cook your hotdogs to packet instructions.

Place a good number of sheets of filo pastry on your work surface, and butter inbetween some of the sheets if you're feeling fancy. Place your flan shell on top.

Tip the can of spaghetti and meatballs into your flan, and drain hotdogs. Break hotdogs in half (if long ones), and stick them into the flan base, using the spaghetti and meatballs to hold them up.

Top generously with mustard and sauce. I recommend both tomato and BBQ for this particular dish. (Fig 12)

Wrap up with more filo pastry, and poke holes in the pastry with a knife. Place in a moderate oven until it browns and heats through. Serve. (Fig 13 & 14)

Giant Frog in a Pond

10 or so packs of jelly crystals
1 Giant chocolate frog

Make jelly to pack instructions, excluding about 1/4 of the required water for a jelly that will be able to support your giant frog. If you're feeling fancy, you can layer flavours by making the jelly in time-delayed batches. Place in your serving bowl (I suggest a large, deep salad bowl), and then leave to set in fridge. (This will take hours and hours and hours. Entertain yourself with cocktails while you wait.)

Wait until Jelly has almost set, and then insert the giant chocolate frog into your jelly. Place back in fridge to set.

Get bored with waiting for it to set, and serve. (Fig 15)

Whipped cream optional. (Fig 16)

So, that should keep you all busy for awhile. Get into your kitchens and cook giant things for your loved ones. Remember: Nothing says I love you quite like a giant sausage and canned meatball pie. Particularly if you accompany it with a Frangelico and marshmallow easter-egg blended cocktail. In fact, give it a try this mother day!

For the full set of Giant Food snaps, check out this link.

PS. Here you go Krus.


Krus said...

That pizza was awesome. Worlds best stoner food.

The Masked Cunt! said...

Pity you had to ruin everything by getting all angry drunk and punching the neighbours dog, you scummy bastard! The night was going well enough without a police presence.
Thank christ they gave up trying to talk sense with a pack of drunks of like us.

Krus, what a bastard!

Kipper said...

The neighbours have a dog?

The Rantolotl said...

News to me too...

The Masked Cunt! said...

You both fucking Fail at fabricating amusing drunk stories... and, to a lesser extent, teasing Krus.
For Shame!