Monday, March 19, 2007

I'll dolphin friendly you...

I'd like to take this time out of my busy, busy, arsehole-filled schedule to point out that my computer is a piece of shit. Well, not my comupter per se, but the computer I use at work. At times, I love it... it has a handy dandy dual head video card installed and I get to do my work on not one, but two screens. It also has an impressive array of sticky-notes attached to its surfaces, particularly around the edges of the monitors. There's a copy of 'The Atheist Test' stuck under the base of one monitor (Lefty), which while technically is not part of the computer, has probably been there long enough to reasonably be considered essential to the operation of such a machine. It also has lots of circular, blue adhesive labels stuck all over it. I like to call it Albert.

But, sadly, Albert is getting old. In fact, Albert was born old, thanks to HP Technology. It never really had the ability to run Windows XP efficiently nor effectively, despite it's little sticker claiming it does just that. In fact, Albert never really had the ability to operate even Microsoft Excel efficiently nor effectively, and freezes up for a good five minutes when I need to do those tricky little tasks in said program, like, make the font blue. Albert is due to be replaced as part of my workplaces leasing program shortly, but somehow, I suspect Albert 2 will just be more of the same - just without the second monitor, sticky notes, blue dots and file structure that make Albert 1 so dear to me.

In fact, I suspect the only way they could make the whole computer replacement thing more of a waste of time, would be if they replaced Albert with a vegan. Not just any vegan mind you, but a wheat-free, poetry performing, T-totaller vegan. By default, these kind of vegans are lesbians, even if they actually have male genitals, but lets not stray too far from the point here. It would wear clothes made of hemp, whilst stewing soybeans and drinking tofu. It's whining unwashed self would stink up my desk while simultaneously annoying my workmates and myself. I could call up the IT helpdesk, but I suspect they'd try and resolve the problem by giving it a bag of carrots. Lets face it, it could increase short-term productivity, but in the end, the problem will remain the same. If I tell it to print my document, it'll just bitch and moan at me about oppressed tree-souls and wood nymphs or some shit. If I asked it to send an email, it would refuse because my inhumane, immoral, coffee-additive (milk) oppresses bovines worldwide. I'd try and threaten it with roast beef sandwiches, but it'd respond by covering all my client responses with paint. It really will be a no win situation. Give me Albert or give me a notepad.

What the fuck is wrong with vegans, anyway? I mean, they're absolutely fine in all theory... until you actually have anything to do with them in person. There certainly are exceptions to this rule, but why the fuck are they so few and far between? If you don't want to eat meat, that's cool! Just don't fucking whine at me 24 hours a day because I do. These people have problems with boundaries. They also seem to have problems with hygiene, logic and dealing with reality on a wider level, and frankly, it's not exactly doing a lot to advertise their cause - it's no fucking wonder their ranks are filled with paranoid, irrational, pains in the arses.

As for their fucking billboards - a pig with wires and shit sticking out of it isn't going to stop me eating pork - it's going to make me drive on a different road. Aha! But if we put these billboards on every road, then you'd change your ways!, I hear the vegans retort into cyberspace. Fat fucking chance - we'd all ignore them instead, and become so desensitized to robo-pig that it'll be the biggest revival the apple sauce industry could ever imagine. Hah! Take that! Likewise, pictures of fucked up kittens don't really work either... I mean, you are trying not to send mixed messages, right? Cause at the moment when I stumble out of the pub, all I'm seeing is a horribly fucked up kitten, your logo, and thinking 'But what kinda freak eats a fucking kitten?!'. Please revise. In fact, just be direct. 'Irrational? Like yelling at people? Looking to perfect your pasty emo look? Become a vegan!'

Jesus fucking christ. Just talking about these people makes me hungry for a steak. A tasty tasty cow-steak cooked to perfection in a sea of butter, garlic and pepper... served with chips! Yes! Chips! Chips made of chicken cooked in pure pig fat. With a salad! 'Fruits of the sea' salad, that is! Yes, it will be a beautiful assortment of living creatures scooped off the bottom of the sea, dunked in batter and fried. Topped with liquefied kippers. Mm-mmm! Dolphin-tastic!

And on that note, I'd like to challenge any reader to track down a can of tuna which doesn't claim to be 'Dolphin Friendly' on the packaging somewhere. I mean, awhile back I thought my tuna was tasting a bit different than usual, you know, a bit flatter... a bit less... smart even. Upon inspection, I found that there was not even the tiniest morsel of dolphin to be found in the entire fucking supermarket. All these tuna cans make these fucking 'dolphin friendly' and 'dolphin safe' claims as if they're presenting you with some sort of bullshit moral choice. But they're fucking not! No dolphins are being killed here! No one's eating these mammals anymore! The closest you can fucking get these days is visiting seaworld and throwing really pointy twigs at 'Flipper' during the all singing, all dancing live act. And frankly, those sorts of uppity, smartarse dolphins don't deserve to be eaten. Cheeky cunts.

It's quite clear. We need to feed the vegans to the dolphins, keep the hemp usage to creating ropes and filling bongs, and... cats! Yes! more cats. Ones that aren't vegans, and can fish out good dolphin (and wheat) filled tuna. With all that sorted out, I have no doubt that the Albert 1/Albert 2 situation will sort itself out nicely. You can speed things along a little by giving the next vegan you meet a good kicking... preferably with shoes made of pot-roast.

Excellent.

7 comments:

CJ said...

So...steak cooked in lard with a side of minced kitten for tea tonight then dear?

Kipper said...

Hey, no liquifying of kippers(!)

Fandango Jones said...

I'd rather lose a kipper than a kitten...
Besides - kippers are well known the Worlds over for being eaten and for having a full, strong flavour. Whereas Kittens... wait, what do you mean that could be taken out of context? I don't see... [i]Oh![/i]

I say we build a device capable of hurling tender, juicy potroasts through the windows and into the laps of known 'whingey vegans' - we could make millions!

The Rantolotl said...

I think we need to design a flag that expresses these feelings against militant vegans.

Simply N said...

at last! I thought I was the only Vegan Hater in the world. I am surrounded by them and their holier than thou attitudes. Everything at my workplace is catered to these fuckers. when the company has out of towners in the industry visit the powers that be want to feed them tofu loaf vomit and wheat grass juice. No one wants to listen ME I wear make up tested on animals. Hello the rest of the world does not eat like the freaks in this "Enlightend City" (a magazine said that not me!!)
I know one vegan who's about to dissapear she's so skinny and another one that must cheat cause she's got the fattest vegan ass I've ever seen I know for a fact she swallows buckets of her boyfriend's mans seed (shes a whore)
Can you be vegan and eat sperm?

Fandango Jones said...

"Can you be vegan and eat sperm?"

I guess that really depends upon how much harm you cause extracting it...

Bozza said...

Fandango Jones said...

"Can you be vegan and eat sperm?"


If you are a vegan and only vegan, yes you can as long as long as it was produced by you. But if you are both a vegan AND a right-to-lifer then you've got a problem.